A difficult decision

This was very hard for me but I've decided the gastric balloon is not for me at this time. On Wednesday I went to see the dietician and she was candid and very helpful. Indeed the average weight loss (for my size) is 2 stones. Some can do a bit more some can do less. I just feel that having this procedure, having a balloon in my belly for a year and the cost just wasn't worth it. If I only lost 2 stones and then had 3 more to lose after the balloon is removed, I know I would really struggle to get my head around it. After all I can lose 2 stones myself in a year - I really believe I can. What I can't do is lose 5 stones but the balloon won't do that for me either! So now I need to prove to myself (and you guys) that I actually can. I'm feeling a bit deflated (pun intended).

Talking of balloons - that's me, in the picture. Or at least what I see when I look in the mirror. A big round face with pokey eyes lol. Has anyone got a pin?

My job is ending at the end of December. It was a fixed contract so it's just how things go. I'm hoping to have something in the pipeline so I'll keep you posted!

So I'll be going back to basics. Posting my stats. And a photo (maybe monthly). Back to the 5-2 plan but I will be enjoying Christmas too. Life is for living! You can feel bad about your past but why? it's done and dusted, it's gone. No point worrying about your future, it's not happened yet. Please just live for today as it's the only thing that's real.

Dear Santa. I've been good this year. Most of the time. Well some of the time. Oh don't bother, I'll buy my own presents.

Ooh nearly forgot to tell you... My holiday half a stone that I lost last week being ill has stayed off! Yay. I'm back to my svelte 15 stone!! Ha ha. Hey, if any one has a spare tummy bug to give me that's obviously the way to go. A dozen sickness bugs and I'll be sorted. Boom!

Oh the irony

So after our lovely little chat about poo last week it has completely dominated my life this week! It started on Sunday after I'd eaten this rather lovely roast dinner (I was so pleased with myself because since I've been all alone (sob sob) I tend not to cook for myself and eat bowls of cereal instead (sush, don't tell my husband or children)) and within 30 minutes I was in agony (no! Nothing wrong with my cooking, cheeky cow). I spent an hour on the loo and the sweat was pouring from me (like a fat man in a sauna). I then spent another hour lying naked on the cold tiles of the downstairs toilet* (I kid you not). So I went through most types of poop (see chart last week) but mainly types 6 & 7 (chocolate mousse & chocolate milkshake). This went on all night. I went to work on Monday only to be frog marched out of the building by security wearing hazmats! Tuesday I had to go for a pre-assessment for my procedure (more about that later). It was a thought driving 30+ miles, and I planned toilet stops for the whole journey - luckily I needed none! I wanted to get there early as parking is a nightmare. I got there 10 mins early, so not great but do-able. Waited patiently for a space. Spotted a women go to her car, so I reversed to be next to space, indicator on, just started pulling in when a dick tried to get in behind me. I was in no mood for this and words were exchanged (yes, lots of swearing) but I won. Idiot!!!

So, my pre-assessment? She asked me general health questions, one being 'have you had sickness or diarrhoea recently' to which I replied 'yes, right now in fact'. Well this flumoxed her - first time someone had said yes ha ha ha. Anyway we have put a sample to the lab. She also did an ECG 'very nice' said the doctor, and she took bloods (this is another story but I think I've written enough this week).

This gastric balloon? Something is bothering me (and not just the initial vomiting as my body tries desperately to get rid of it) but the expected weight loss. From what they've said thus far is that I'm probably going to lose 15% of my weight, within this 12 month period and most of that will be in the first 3-4 months. That's 2 stones! Nothing wrong with 2 stones per se but I need to lose 5 stones! Now I know me, if I go through a year of having this thing in me I need to lose more like 4 stone. They'll remove it, and I'll be hungry and go 'bloody Nora I now need to lose another 3 stone, by myself! I'll be pissed and it'll all go pear shaped (and not just my bum). I don't understand!! If I can lose 2 stones in the first few months why do I not continue to lose weight for the next 8? If I'm restricted in how much I eat, eat healthy and on reduced calories!!? Why can't I lose more? Let's face it I could lose 2 stones myself in a year. My problem is that I need to lose 5 stones! This feels like a mountain and I get disheartened. Anyway, I see the dietician next week and I will be finding out for sure. If I can lose say 4 stones then let's do it. 2 stones? I don't think it's a good idea. I'll let you know.

Life is not about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

* My dog normally escorts me to the loo but she must have known something wasn't right. She sat outside the door the whole time. She popped her head around the door a few times, as if to say 'You ok? I'm here if you need me'. Aw bless her!

P.S. a plus point of a tummy bug is that I've lost the 7lb holiday gain! Whoop!!

Poo

Now if you're of a delicate disposition I don't suggest you read this while eating.

If you think shit is a swear word you might want to stop now.

I think it's time we talked about poo (faeces, crap, stools etc). Now I think some of you would say that I'm always talking crap anyway but hey ho! You might be wondering what poop has to do with my blog but you must all remember Gillian McKeith! Your poo says an awful lot about your diet! A healthy diet would produce type 3 or 4 poo. I'd say I'm more a 5. Hubby says I poo rabbit droppings. What will happen when I'm eating rabbit food then? Will I poo mouse droppings? To get a 3 or 4 you need to eat good food with plenty of fibre (who's old enough to remember it being roughage??) And plenty liquid. I'm not a great drinker (wine yes, water no). Sometimes I do have a sausage and I must say I get very excited! So much so I tell hubby exactly what I've done. I offer to show him - but he declines! A number 4 makes you feel lighter, it's a great feeling. Sometimes I pass a malteser which is unpleasant and quite frankly I don't understand how your colon can make something that gets stuck at the end of the journey! Why does it do that??

As you all probably know I always put weight on when on holiday (usually half a stone). This holiday I was trying to keep things within reason. My jeans still zipped when I dressed to come home! I believed that a miracle had happened and the usual gain had not taken place. Morning after I got home I stepped on the scales... And you'll never guess?.... I'd put on half a stone! So that was me 15st 6lbs! A new Gilly record! I can't even try to tell you how I felt. Not especially surprised but gutted that I'd hit a new high! What the hell is wrong with me? It must and will come to an end!

Count down to balloon...18 days!

If pooping is a call of nature, does farting mean a missed call?

More holidays than Thomas Cook...

...Or so I'm told. Another holiday over but had a fab time. I won't bore you with details but the highlight of the trip was diving one morning and we were joined by a pod of dolphins. They came for a good nose and swam very close. It was truly amazing.

Obviously I've spent a lot of time thinking about the balloon. In so much as I'm wondering if I'll be a lot slimmer next year and wearing a whole load of new bikinis and dresses. About whether I'll manage a starter at dinner and that'll be me full. What about all the yummy cocktails that I drink - will I knock them on the head and stick to water (don't be silly... At least one or two cocktails will stay). How will diving feel with a water balloon bobbing around inside my tummy? So many questions. I'll tell you next year if any of them interest you.

The greatest thing about the holiday is that I'm not the only fat lass. There are plenty even bigger. And whilst I don't rejoice in my size it does make me feel a little better. But you want to know the weird thing? The thought of a balloon severely restricting my eating for a year seems ok with me and yet the thought of just trying to diet for 12 months instead fills me with dread. What's that all about then?

I requested the latest copy of Heart Matters magazine from the British heart foundation. It came the other day so I brought it here with me! Whilst everyone else is tucking into Grazia I'm reading all about the heart... Except it's not really. It's great! Loads of stuff about healthy eating and preventing Alzheimer's, and great recipes!! Who needs ladies monthlies? (God if that's periods not me!) In fact I've subscribed to Good Housekeeping for years. Just cancelled my membership, got a bit samey. Is that my blog? My readers have dropped massively last 2 weeks! Am I too samey or is it Facebook?? Let me know if I'm boring you. Balloons not for everyone.

Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.

confused.com

It's amazing how you can bond with a stranger over a hairy fairy (getting a bikini wax). The beautician was just like me... She bought clothes in a size (or sizes) too small because she'll 'shrink' into them. She said she ate when she didn't need to. Lost weight just in time to put it all on again!! The same old, same old that so many of us share lol. By the time she finished my nails (see left) she was away to tell her hubby she wanted to go to Sandals in the Caribbean, she wanted to go diving and she wants a gastric balloon!!

So? My balloon? I've seen the consultant who was very candid. The balloon is in for 12 months, I could lose 15% of my weight, most of the weight loss is in the first 3-4 months, I will be very nauseous for the first couple of days, I will be heavily sedated during the endoscopy, I will see a dietitian regularly and for at least 6 months after balloon is removed, I can fly, ski and dive, there is a big risk of re-gaining weight unless I learn the skills when the balloon is in, and in the unlikely event that the balloon ruptures I will pee bright green!

It's a very difficult decision and I've been chatting to loved ones. Everyone has my best interest at heart and it's good to talk. I wish I could do this myself but the truth is I can't. I've read every book, watched every TV programme and listen to all the 'experts' and if I could have done it I would have done it already. I need this kick. I have no idea how I'll get on. I have no idea if or how much weight I will lose. I have no idea what will happen once it's removed! But I'm going to try.

Life is like a balloon. If you never let yourself go you will never know how far you can rise.

I would like to thank everyone who sent me kind wishes and thank you all for your concern. Don't worry - I'll keep you posted. Be ready for my knicker shots to return ha ha ha