I love me, who do you love?

You can imagine what it was like taking that photo. 'No, I look fat!' - well I'm not going to look like a size 8 model with my thighs, no matter how many pictures were taken!! I mean, I suppose I maybe should have at least combed my hair and put on mascara? But I knew you'd prefer au naturale  lol.

So this trying to love oneself is tricky. I've been reading and investigating and working out how to do it. This is what I've heard is recommended.

1. Look at your naked body in the mirror for 20 minutes.

So...fat thighs, fat arse, fat tummy, ok tits, nice shoulders, chubby face. Right, bored now, seen it, let's move on....Next!!

2. Say an affirmation 3 times every day.

I picked 'I am gorgeous, I'm good enough'. But can I say this out loud? No ha ha not without laughing. Just feel ridiculous. I mean really? It's lying, it's not what I think or feel. Of course this is why I'm doing this in the first place.

3. Keep a journal.

Well I kind of do, with this blog. But I think the journal idea is to be completely honest. And whilst this blog is absolutely honest - I don't tell you everything! I need my secrets!! Like where all my chocolate is hidden.

4. Do things you love.

I have spent time on this one. Partly trying to figure out what it is I love. Some of the things I think I love I've discovered I don't really. e.g. Watching tv. We all love a bit of TV but the danger is just watching crap for the sake of it. I love watching a really fantastic programme, great but lots of my tv is crap. Also some of the things I love to do needs another person. (Get your head out the gutter, I don't mean that lol). I love playing badminton but playing by yourself is tricky. No matter how hard I try I can't run round the other side of the net in time to return the shuttlecock!!

5. Never call yourself names.

If I call myself fat am I calling myself names or just being honest?

6. Get rid of negativity.

I am very cynical and lack self esteem. I'm amazed when people pay me compliments. I tend to think they are just being sweet or kind and to a certain extent, feeling sorry for me. Like the runt of the litter 'ooh he's so cute and sweet'. I was at my husband's long service dinner with his work. All dressed up etc. I got a lot of compliments from people I didn't know, like how pretty and stunning I was. But all I could think was if it was, say, Gwyneth Paltrow would they still be so willing with the nice remarks. In my head they really meant 'For a fat lass you scrub up ok'!

Obviously this loving myself still needs some work. Onwards and upwards. I will no longer put my life on hold waiting to be perfect!!

You're always with yourself so you may as well enjoy the company.

One day is important - today!

My neighbours offered me top soil for my veg plot. We first needed to find it - not grown anything for a few years! It was buried behind 6 foot bushes in the back of the garden. Weeds were shoulder height and a couple of trees had grown in it - not even kidding. My son decided (with a little help from mum) that it should be his project! All yesterday morning he worked on the weeds. What an improvement!! I just wish I'd taken a before picture. Anyway I shall keep you posted!

So I was chatting to a friend about this new craze of aging yourself using an app! And how we all want more. We put our lives on hold waiting until we are thinner, richer, prettier. And now we want to look into the future to see what we might look like when we're 80! Why are we wishing our lives away? Which brings me to....

I've not given up wanting to be a healthier weight (no way!) But it's not happening just now. Not the right frame of mind, and we all know how important that is. But whilst I wait for everything to slot back into place I need to be happy with what I have. It is not perfect but it's me. I want to be confident and content with today's Gilly, and not sit just praying for the perfect Gilly (which obviously doesn't exist - let's face it, even at size 12 I'll still only be 5' 3", still have stretch marks and my c-section scar. I'll still have grey roots and hair that goes mental when it's not had a blow dry. I'll probably still have a wobbly tummy and not so very perk boobs. And I'll definitely still have weird feet). Therefore I want to embrace this life, my body - what it can and can't do. I'll be confident and sexy and not worry about my fat and my bum. And until I actually feel confident and sexy I'm going to fake it until I make it. My mum always said I should be an actress. I'm going to pretend to be that Gilly. And one day I will morph into her.

Whilst I'm doing this I going to endeavour to at least stay in the 13s. My scales will not creep into the 14 stones!! Surely I can manage this at least. Just a wee concession!

"I just want to live each day and invent my own rules" Said by actress Lily James, Okay magazine Sept 2019

Popular beanbag

Hey I actually lost 2lb this week, no idea how! Every day I planned to kick start my weight loss with a fast day. Started well every day, ended badly every day. C'est la vie!

However, I was at the blood pressure clinic and my weight is still less than it was when I was there in March (and that was a stone lighter than the time before). BP 140/80 so not bad, an incentive to actually lose weight again (because let's face it, I don't have many incentives lol). The BP nurse even said she'd read this blog! *

The other day we had 3 Celebration chocolates left in the tub. 2 Bounty and 1 Snickers. I ate both the Bounty (yes, I'm greedy and yes, no one else likes Bounty) and gave the Snickers to my hubby. He said (and I quote) "I'll have it later, I'm full after dinner". WHO does that?? It was a tiny mouthful of chocolate!! He was too full for a tiny chocolate?! I nearly grabbed it back to eat myself. Ha ha ha. And yes, that's why he's slim and I'm fat!

I've discovered this week that you don't eat Jelly Tots** by the handful. Just doesn't work. To enjoy Jelly Tots** at their best, eat them one at a time. Trust me on this. I've done extensive tests!

This week I have purchased a sofa, a huge armchair (cancelled - won't fit 😢), 5 pairs of curtains, 4 pillows, 6 pillowcases, 2 double beds, 2 mattresses, a carpet, a Scentsy warmer, a kettle, 2kg coffee beans, a double sheet, a hoover and a packet of Jelly Tots.

Better never stops. (Andy Murray's t-shirt Wimbledon 2019)

* That is - she would read (reed) and not she had read (red). 

**Other sweets available. Don't eat too many. And according to my dentist yesterday, sweets and chocolates should only be consumed at meal times. That definitely sounds like it's perfectly fine to eat a Mars bar for lunch 😃

Excuses, excuses

Weight today: don't want to talk about it, but I'm still in the 13s, just!
Weight gain: bloody hell, afraid so, but let's not talk about it!

So last week I mentioned that I was running out of excuses.. So I thought you might like to hear them?

1. Pretty sure we all do this.
So your day is going just fine, when (for example) a colleague brings in cakes for the office. So you have one, one little cake, what harm can it do? Until your brain goes "I've had a cake, I've ruined my diet, I may as well eat that pie/ice cream/chocolate/chips/lasagne/garlic bread and start again tomorrow! This is moronic! A cake is one thing and an easy fix but then eating your body weight in more 'naughty' food is mental.

2. Wardrobe malfunction.
I have some really nice clothes that fit me now. If I lose weight it'll be such a shame that they'll be too big. This is another crazy one because I have loads of really lovely clothes that don't fit me because they're too small! And I'm sure I'd look better wearing nice clothes that fit me when I'm slim than wearing nice clothes that fit me now?? Quid pro quo!

3. It's that time of the month that I need chocolate.
So this one is very real. I might use my period as encouragement but I swear I 'need' the chocolate!

4. This one is totally mental.
So I think I've had a great week but when I step on the scales I've put ON weight! The hands go up and flail about and I stomp around and swear. FFS why bother? Diet isn't working I might as well just give up and eat chocolate! No one can think this is sane! Silly Gilly.

5. I've been on holiday.
I won't apologise for this one. I love my holidays and I refuse to watch what I eat when I'm there. I could be a little better behaved when I'm away e.g. Fruit cocktails instead of creamy ones, sandwich instead of pizza, more vegetables instead of chips. But, yeah, that ain't going to happen, ever!!

6. Waste not want not.
I need to get on plan but I've lots of (unhealthy) food to eat first. This is a bit of a con because I'm the one who went to the supermarket and bought the scrummy delicious, oops sorry - I mean unhealthy, food in the first place lol. But yeah, once it's bought I have to eat it, I could never throw it away just to start my diet again lol.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!

The picture is a ginormous beanbag which has come to my house to live, from my daughter who just couldn't look after it anymore!