Am I Jewish?

I was watching a TV programme the other day and a Jewish lady said being Jewish means food. That's me!

I've really not had the best of weeks. I honestly think just the thought of 'dieting' has made me eat more. I go to sleep thinking of food. I wake up thinking of food. And in the middle I just eat. I wonder with everything if I should eat it. 90% I shouldn't. 100% I still do! I'm not consciously sabotaging my diet but deep down I think I'm just going 'stuff my face' and start tomorrow...every day. Tomorrow never comes! And it's too close to Christmas. There are mince pies needing eating, with cream! What's a girl to do? It would have been nice to lose a few pounds ready to regain them but it's realistically not happening. So I'm taking my foot off the dieting, relaxing about edibles, I'll enjoy Xmas without stressing. Then in the New Year I shall smash it. New year, new job, new (well old) me!!

And the pic? That is a real genuine car insurance quote! Hilarious. Car is only worth about £4,000!!

So I wrote you a lovely long poem, all about Christmas! Hooray

Hooray, hooray, hooray
It's Christmastime again
Though no one will admit it
It's really quite a pain.

We spend weeks and weeks preparing
And spending too much cash
Just for the day itself
To pass by in a flash.

My children are all grown
And both have now left home
This means I need to decorate
The bloody tree alone.

It's really not so bad
I have a plan you see
For all the chocolate decorations
Are now all just for me!

I bake my cinnamon cookies
All day Christmas Eve
And leave one out for Santa
Of course we still believe!

The sun comes up on Christmas Day
We are giggly and excited
3 hours later, let's wake up the kids
We can no longer fight it.

Open the bubbly, pour a glass
Breakfast had begun
Time for the Hero chocolates
But I'll just have the one!

Now the kids are older
I think we're buying less
But half an hour later
It's still a friggin mess!

I'm knackered having cleared
The paper from the floor
Pass me over the Hero's
I think I'll have one more.

I love my gifts, thank you
Though some make me baffle
But never mind, I'll just donate
To the next charity raffle.

A bottle of Tweed, I have received
From my auntie Fleur
Merry Christmas great aunt Mary
I'll re-gift to you next year.

A huge gigantic turkey
I wrestle with the bird
'Help me in the kitchen'
Strange that I'm not heard.

The Christmas specials on TV
We've seen them all before
Go on pass the Hero's
I think I'll have some more.

Is anybody hungry?
Let's have something to eat
Turkey & stuffing sarnies
And open the Quality Street

The day is almost over
Just one more thing to do
Better finish the Hero's chocolates
Seems my 'only one' became a few!!

You know you're getting older, when Santa starts looking younger!

Of course

So I hopped on the scales this morning. And what a pleasant surprise! Kidding, it was anything but! 14st 11lb. Like I just wanted to cry. What the hell is happening? What has changed? Nothing. Just so you're all with me - a reminder. This time last year I was 15st 2lb. I lost 2 stones at the start of the year. I went on holiday for 2 weeks in May, and put on a stone. But that's expected right? Gilly goes on holiday... Gilly puts on weight. 1lb per day. But since then I've stayed around 14st 2lb, for all these months up until now!! Nothing has changed. I've not been 'dieting' in all these months but weight was steady, I was content. But since I've decided to lose weight again it's shooting up. It's piling on and making me sad, and frantic and confused. Sure it's darker now, and much colder, but still?? Really?? Then it hit me right in the face. I know what's bloody changed - my job. Since my working hours changed I've put the weight on. Too much down time!

Now the problem now is that I'm fed up. I've no incentive to lose weight (don't waste your breathe on going down the healthy route, I know it all). I've been dieting half my life now. I've often lost weight, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But that's irrelevant now. Today I'm fat. Today I don't see the point in losing weight and I definitely don't see the point in breaking my balls trying to lose weight! Though I have to add, I'll never be happy walking around looking the way I do. I feel trapped between being miserable being fat or being miserable trying to lose weight, all over again!

I've also been baking (and eating). The left is white chocolate & passion fruit. The right is white chocolate & raspberry. Delicious - even if I do say so myself lol.

I'm sorry this week isn't jovial. I shall try harder next week.

Losing weight is hard. Being fat, ugly and unhealthy is hard. I need to choose my hard.

Human psyche

Weight: 14 9

What is it about the human psyche that means that as soon as you decide to go on a diet and lose weight you start eating more and put on weight?! I know it's not just me. I was discussing it with my mother in law. We both decided to knuckle down and lose weight before Christmas. If we can lose say 5lbs, then when we put on 10lbs over the festivities it will only feel half as bad! Something like that anyway. But we've both struggled to get on to a healthier eating regime. It's like just even thinking of reducing calories has your belly rebelling and telling you to eat more, and craze cream cakes!! I need to separate my mind from my body. Trick it so it doesn't realise that I plan to lose weight. It'll have a nice surprise come Christmas when my head doesn't recognise the slimmer body!

This week I went into the loft! Not super exciting but pushed my comfort zone. Like climbing mountains it's the getting down rather than the climbing up! And to add more stress there is the possibility of mice and spiders! Great. I was getting down a suitcase - but not for me alas, it's my daughter going galavanting! She's off to Dubai to meet her boyfriend! Nice.

I have some good news. The interview I told you about the other week looks like it's turning into a new job! Very chuffed and can't wait to seal the deal and get started. Fingers crossed.

My windscreen (see pic) has a ghost. I've had the car about 4+ years and there is no sticker on the window. I've washed it many many times inside and out (when I say I've washed it I'm not even kidding. I must have washed it at least 3 times! My husband has washed it many many times though). And the frost and ice the other morning brought out this impression on the glass. I think it's super weird as there is zero sign of anything normally!

They say you are what you eat. I'd better eat a skinny person then.

Tetchy

Weight today : bugger forgot but about 14 7 😢😢

So I really shouted at my hubby the other day! Now I need to tell you the background first (not excuses. I don't need to provide excuses - he just really annoyed me). But I did have rotten PMT, I had just stepped on the scales for the first time in a few weeks, after having a few days away. I also put my newly washed jeans on and they were proper tight. So Gilly wasn't particularly happy. When I mentioned the tight jeans he told me that's what to expect when I have a diet of biscuits after breakfast (one small biscuit with my 10am coffee) (ok, I had just had breakfast 10 mins earlier). Now husband is thin. He's fit and he's slim. He's the same size he was aged 16 years old! He has never ever been overweight. He has never ever even had to sniff at a diet. He has never considered what he eats, and eats as he pleases. I, on the other hand, have been trying to lose weight for half of my life! I have lost count how many times I've started a diet. I think of food and what I should or shouldn't eat all day every day. I know about how (and how not) to lose weight. So his response on Sunday morning was not appreciated. It's like those people who tell you how to raise your children - even when they don't have any kids themselves!! Really really annoying! Like don't tell your grandmother how to suck eggs!

I took a friend to hospital to get scan results. The consultant (like all doctors) asked about how much she smoked, how much she drank, and how much she ate. The Dr said that when she drinks along with her partner to remember that men metabolise alcohol quicker and better than woman. And that the drink is harming her 3 times more than him! That's food for thought. When I drink it's usually with hubby and I drink the same as him. I need to think of this a little more.

So my plan was to jump back on the Fast 800 plan this week. I was disappointed with my gain, though not surprised (obviously) and I do need/want to lose weight. But like all great plans it fell on the first hurdle - Saturday morning! It's tricky isn't it? I am fed up of dieting and being worried about what I eat! But I'm also so unhappy with the way I look - aka fat! Am I really destined to be doing this dieting thing for the next 30 years? Who the hell can be bothered with that??

You may not like what you see in the mirror, but there is no point arguing with your reflection.

Mountains out of molehills

My comfort zone this week? I climbed Bennachie. For those not local that's a massive, huge, ginormous mountain in Aberdeenshire. Think Ben Nevis and double it! Ok ok ok I'm exaggerating but that's what it felt like hiking up it on Wednesday.  I have done it before, maybe once every few years, but I forgot how tough it is. I'm exhausted just walking to the base! I surprised myself this time though. Normally I have to stop and sit every half a dozen steps, I'm bright red and sweaty, and I'm swearing like a trooper! On Wednesday I stopped and sat down only twice, I was very red and sweaty (see evidence left) but I never swore at all!! I initially had my hair down but I was so hot it felt like I had a blanket over me. I didn't have a hair tie but I did have a poop bag, unused obviously!, and that did the trick - who knew?

It may surprise you that it wasn't the going up the mountain that pushed my comfort zone, it was the coming down. The last 3-4 meters to the summit I was kind of on my hands and knees cos there is nothing step like. Turning round to come down a) you can suddenly see how high you are b) there is nothing step like c) you can suddenly see how high up you are. I wanted to come down the way I got up, on my tummy so I couldn't see the view but I was proper scared and started to cry. Hubby wanted me to come down on my feet but I really couldn't. In the end I slid down on my arse! Never going to the top again! Ever!

The only thing that kept me going was knowing that we were staying at the hotel at the bottom! Bliss. Though my legs are still sore and stairs are a bugger!

A few people have been asking me about my weight this week. This is a weight loss blog after all I guess. So since June I have been fluctuating between 14st 2lb and 14st 4lb which is me maintaining a stone weight loss. Now I have to confess I've not weighed myself in a while - BIG MISTAKE, HUGE! (name the movie?). I do feel my face is all fat and bloated and my tummy is massive, So I think bad news awaits me. Can't weigh myself today as I'm away from home (Enchanted Forest, Pitlochry) but I will next week. I need to stop making excuses and actually do something rather than just talk about it! Here I go again on my own (name the song?).

You may not like what you see in the mirror but there is no point arguing with your reflection.