Of course

So I hopped on the scales this morning. And what a pleasant surprise! Kidding, it was anything but! 14st 11lb. Like I just wanted to cry. What the hell is happening? What has changed? Nothing. Just so you're all with me - a reminder. This time last year I was 15st 2lb. I lost 2 stones at the start of the year. I went on holiday for 2 weeks in May, and put on a stone. But that's expected right? Gilly goes on holiday... Gilly puts on weight. 1lb per day. But since then I've stayed around 14st 2lb, for all these months up until now!! Nothing has changed. I've not been 'dieting' in all these months but weight was steady, I was content. But since I've decided to lose weight again it's shooting up. It's piling on and making me sad, and frantic and confused. Sure it's darker now, and much colder, but still?? Really?? Then it hit me right in the face. I know what's bloody changed - my job. Since my working hours changed I've put the weight on. Too much down time!

Now the problem now is that I'm fed up. I've no incentive to lose weight (don't waste your breathe on going down the healthy route, I know it all). I've been dieting half my life now. I've often lost weight, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But that's irrelevant now. Today I'm fat. Today I don't see the point in losing weight and I definitely don't see the point in breaking my balls trying to lose weight! Though I have to add, I'll never be happy walking around looking the way I do. I feel trapped between being miserable being fat or being miserable trying to lose weight, all over again!

I've also been baking (and eating). The left is white chocolate & passion fruit. The right is white chocolate & raspberry. Delicious - even if I do say so myself lol.

I'm sorry this week isn't jovial. I shall try harder next week.

Losing weight is hard. Being fat, ugly and unhealthy is hard. I need to choose my hard.