The chocolate lull

Weight today : 15st 2lb

Christmas gain : 6lbs













I still can't get used to the fact that I don't work at this time of year, I've always worked between Christmas and New Year. I'm here eating all the food instead! And its pretty much just me - no hubby and no daughter, and a son not interested in festive cheer/food. All alone plowing through double cream, single cream, whipping cream, Italian raspberry trifle (OMG - yum), baileys trifle...you get the drift? 

Please don't think that my light hearted writing means I take my weight issues with a pinch of salt, as I don't (it's usually sugar). I am deadly serious, as I hate it beyond words but I like to be a realist. This is my life and I can't put it on hold waiting to be a size 12. I was truly hoping this blog would inspire but I've missed the mark, but at least this is a true reflection of just how tough losing weight is. There are plenty of folk online making it look so easy - celebs/bloggers/vloggers. We envy their bodies and try to emulate but lets face it, most can't. All this 'clean eating' - what? teaching you how to eat spag bol without getting it all over your face and clothes? Fat free/dairy free/gluten free/carb free/sugar free/meat free why not just go the whole hog (no pun intended) and go food free? With a family of coeliacs, and my coeliac linked intolerance, gluten free is no lifestyle choice! However, I do believe that sugar is evil (and OMG so nice) and the root to my problems. 

A few weeks ago I needed some panty liners so grabbed Always Discreet (they were on offer). Discreet!?! My arse. They are like nappies they are so huge!! So big that when I wear one I get a free bikini wax thrown in. I have been glad of them this last week or so. The coughing so bad that I may leak a little lol. When my mother in law found out I was unwell she messaged me 'Relax and soil yourself'. Now I admit to the odd/regular cough peeing but I thought this was a bit much (don't you just love predictive text).

PS picture (sorry its not me - again) my Christmas present. It's great. Even counts my steps when I'm driving! 10,000 a day - no bother, I just go for a drive.

Have a fabulous Hogmanay! I'll see you next year (ha ha that's next week btw) when I'll be back on the program and ready to beat this thing!

The New Year is a new start on old habits!

Merry Christmas

This little cutie on the left is my baby (7 days old) and on Christmas Day she will be 23 years old!! And I still have Mickey & Minnie (though Mickey's hand had a small accident with a mouse a couple of years ago). Happy Birthday Gorgeous Daughter xx











I've been preparing for Christmas - a little bit like your bronze Turkey - in so much as I'm getting plumper and tanned! Christmas is a bad time for a dieter (strike) healthy eater like me. All the butchers/florists/hairdressers have tins of Roses for customers on their counters. 'Help yourself to a chocolate', so I do! 'Go on, take another for later', so I do - generally a fist full that I stuff into my pocket! That's lunch sorted. Don't be silly... they'll all be gone within 10 seconds of me being back in the car. And then of course are the specialist Festive coffees at Costa and Starbucks etc. Gingerbread latte (or 25 teaspoons of sugar latte as some like to call it) and my favourite, this year, Honeycomb Hot Chocolate!! Why have a boring 200 calorie latte when you can have a 500 calorie hot chocolate with all the trimmings? That's what I say - and yes, I know you don't agree! (mentioning no names but you know who you are big sis). 

I've been proper poorly this week, since last Wednesday to be accurate. Man flu - and boy have I not behaved well... In fact worse than a man! When the nose bleeds started I freaked! I got hubby and drag him into the bathroom with me in case I passed out through blood loss! I was a right baby lol. I sent one friend pictures of my bloody tissues, I thought she'd be impressed, but unbeknownst to me she suffers from haemophobia (yes a real phobia) and took one look at my picture, fainted, banged her head on the table, and yes... Had a nose bleed! Tee hee - just kidding! Though I'm not sure how impressed she was anyway lol. I've been very grumpy and demanding (I know!!? Not like me at all). I was so fed up and miserable on Tuesday night that I went to bed and just cried. Have you ever tried that? Really crying when your nose is completely blocked? It's really not very easy. And sobbing also does wonders for your sore head, sore face and sore throat.... Not! The only saving grace is the eating chocolate at night. Now I know what you're all thinking here, that I'm having you on, 'Gilly's-any-excuse-to-eat-chocolate', but I swear, if you have a sore throat that makes you cough at night take some chocolate, (I've done extensive research and Cadburys Giant Buttons are best) let one melt in your mouth, slowly swallow and bingo! the melted chocolate coats your throat and stops the cough. Honest it's magic (disclaimer - very bad for teeth). It might take 2 or 3 buttons but it works. Eases your throat just enough to get to sleep. You can thank me later :-) PS please don't put chocolate or any other confectionery into your mouth and just fall asleep, as you may choke. (I thought I'd better add that in case someone decided to sue).

I've learnt this week that nose bleeds don't kill you.

Happy Christmas to you all. Eat, drink and be merry - and don't count a single calorie, after all, it is only one day (um, well maybe one week..... And a bit) xx

Disappointing half year figures

I can hardly believe it but that's 6 months of blogging. A whole half year! And look how far I've got? Not exactly my plan I have to say and yet the story of my life. Planning and trying to lose weight but ultimately like pedaling in sinking sand - doing enough to not sink but not really getting anywhere. When I started this blog in June I honestly thought the humiliation of putting my wobbly bits out there would shame me into weight loss. But I kind of feel proud, going this is me, like me or lump me! But this was not my intention. I thought I'd be proud saying I've lost 2 stone and dropped 2 dress sizes. To write a blog called Gilly's Weight Loss Journey and not lose a pound is a joke. Pathetic really. So this next 6 months has got to change - otherwise I'll rename it to Gilly's Journey!

When I look in the mirror I see me but wearing a fat suit. I'm sure I should just be able to unzip it! It's hard to imagine having to carry this excess where ever I go. Like having a child on my back. No wonder my health is deteriorating. I had my eureka moment this week, but no I don't mean it suddenly dawned on me how to lose this weight - more like I jumped into the hot tub and displaced a load of water onto the floor. Spent a lovely day and night at a spa hotel with hubby and my biggest sister and brother in law. We were given robes and slippers! This always makes me nervous in case the robe doesn't go all the way around. But it did, I must have melted somewhat in the sauna. Also had an early Christmas at my mum's. The whole nine yards. Exchanged gifts (no one gave me chocolate!?!), crackers and turkey. My sisters didn't have mash potato and had just one roast. I suspect it was for health reasons ie skinny reasons but if that's their secret I'm not interested, give me the mash and I'll have theirs too!

I've learnt this week that I have just the next 6 months to put the size of my arse behind me! Ha ha, pun intended.

Inside me is a skinny girl screaming to get out, but I shut the bitch up with chocolate.

If past friends are not now in your life, it's probably for a reason!

Good news/bad news

So, the good news is that my ECG came back fine, there is nowt a matter with my heart (yeah big cheers - I'm not having a heart attack any time soon) the bad news is that I have high bloody cholesterol too! (6.7 if it means anything to you). And...drum roll...I'm not needing meds for either. Doctor says I can get them both down myself, by losing some weight! What a brilliant idea. I wish I'd thought of that. Alert Alert : Gilly to lose weight. 

I'm going out for dinner and I have nothing to wear. Now admit it everyone, we all say that when we are going out somewhere smart. And it doesn't actually mean we literally have nothing to wear, but more like 'there is nothing in my wardrobe that is new, that is classy, that makes me feel great, that makes me feel like a size 8'. Am I right? Well I literally have nothing to wear. My wardrobe looks like a charity shop - and I don't mean Oxfam, more Sue Ryder. My clothes don't fit me. At times I have clothes that are too big but currently all my clothes are too small. I have clothes in all sizes from 12 up. I have stuff that is fairly old (pretty old fashioned) that I keep only to shrink into that I will probably never wear, yet I must keep them for my remarkable makeover. I have 3 pairs of trousers and 2 dresses (really nice dresses) that still have their label on (reduced in the sale label) that I've had for years. I always tend to buy clothes that are a little bit too small because next month I'll have lost weight. Its crazy. So hence I have nothing to wear. I shall be going out with my new gorgeous shoes on...and nothing else. I hope no one notices.

This week I have learnt that the sun always comes up, and tomorrow is another day. 

When you've been broken you can rebuild yourself stronger.

I'm not laughing

So when I saw the doctor on holiday the nurse routinely took my blood pressure, and it was high, proper high - 170/120. But hey I was it the middle of being traumatised. The following day she came to our room to take another reading. It was the same. The nurse urged me to see my GP upon returning to home, which I did. The reading was the same.

I didn't really know what it meant to be honest. I didn't know anyone with high BP. I knew it was linked to heart attacks and was called 'the silent killer' and that was about it. It was a bloody shock. At first I lay in bed worrying like a worrier. I thought I could feel pains in my chest - as if just knowing about it could give me a cardiac arrest! Seriously, I was scared. My first morning of spinning class I couldn't go. What if it was too intense? What if I keeled over?

I have learnt a bit more. For instance, it is linked to snoring. So for about a year my body has been trying to tell me, very loudly, to do something about my weight! I ignored it (to be fair I didn't hear it as I was sound asleep). We've talked about it before; how being over weight can increase your risk of diabetes, cancers, heart disease but like most people I guess I really didn't think it would actually happen to me. I feel so guilty that my obesity is my fault. That I will have contributed to this ailment and maybe ailments to come.

I have family and friends who would gladly take all this extra weight from me and lose it for me. They would eat the healthy food and do the exercise because they love me. But of course they can't. Its up to me and me only. And that makes me feel ashamed.

My daughter was born almost 23 years ago. I remember so clearly holding her for the first time and feeling overwhelmed with love. How I suddenly realised how much my mum loved me, and I also realised that you would kill for your children. I promised to love and protect her forever, to do whatever I was capable of to keep her safe.And I made the same promise to my son 7 years later. But what about keeping myself safe for them? How could I do this to myself and risk so much. Do my children not deserve their mother to be happy, and healthy and slim? To live a long life to keep them protected?

At the end of the day do I love food more than my family? No. Do I hate exercise more than I love my kids? No

I apologise to everyone who loves me, who wants me healthy and happy, and I want to show you that I love you so much that I can somehow get through this and shed the layers of fat, to reveal the old Gilly who is buried and suffocating.

And fingers crossed I can do it before my heart attack. xxx