Forrest who?

So if life is like a box chocolates I've just eaten the Turkish delight! Yeugh!

My friend messaged me to ask why I was feeling so glum (I can tell you're dying to know which friend... I'll tell you then... My friend from birth). So I bent her ear about my son, my dog, my job, bereavements... And yet failed to mention the one thing that is really making me miserable. And just in case you can't guess - my fat. Oh my lord! I just hate. And it truly makes me feel shit.

I've been to the hairdresser's - come out with gorgeous, shiny, flowing locks. All good you guess? No! I've just spent 2½ hours looking at myself in a mirror. My pixie eyes and round round face and then all the chin fat!!! Yuck. No wonder I'm down on myself. (Violins please).

When I was sharing a room with my daughter the other weekend she said that when I was sleeping my breathing kept stopping! Great! Let's just add sleep apnea to the list. On the plus side (and I don't mean my left buttock) I couldn't lose weight for vanity, or for my blood pressure, or for my snoring or my prolapse - let's see if I can lose weight for sleep apnea! Don't hold your breathe - ha ha ha ha pun intended.

On Facebook yesterday an ex colleague announced she'd got her 5 stone lost award from Slimmers World!! 5 stone is amazing! 5 stone is what I need to lose! I'm delighted for her but I'm gutted for me. That should be me. It needs to be me. Hopefully her achievement will help spur me on. She's at least proved that 5 stone can be done!! A huge well done! (Bitch)

Of course for all this moaning we all know I lead a charmed life. I don't like the Turkish delight but I certainly like all the others. In fact if I hadn't hoovered down the rest of the box I probably wouldn't be in this position!

Exercise is a dirty word - every time I mention it I wash my mouth out with chocolate!