New year

Yay! I've done it. I've finally done it. Whoop whoop! I've finally put all the weight back on that I lost at the start of the year! And just in the nick of time. Phew, just in time to start my diet at the start of the year and lose the weight all over again! Bloody great! My husband congratulated me when I told him. He said I'd worked hard and put in a lot of effort. Chocolate for breakfast? Tick. Puddings? Tick. Gin, prosecco, chips, crisps, ignoring gym? Tick, tick, tick. But I have to admit, it was no effort at all. Easiest diet ever. If you'd like to put on weight and need more details please PM me.

But let's not despair. Another year, another opportunity! Going into a new year (and especially a new decade, as this is) I like to reflect. What's gone right? What's gone wrong?

The good?
I started a great new job
I lost 2 stones
I turned 50
I had an amazing holiday in Jamaica
I've made new relationships
I've further bonded with some existing relationships

The bad?
I put on the 2 stones that I lost
I turned 50
I left great job (for good reasons)

The plain ugly?
I'm the same weight as I was and just as unhappy about it as ever!

Then of course there's New Year Resolutions. Like about 90% of the nation my top choices are 1. Go to the gym 2. Lose weight 3. Drink more water. And by 2 January I've forgotten them. This year I've decided to be different. This year my resolution is to have a daily mantra. And with thanks to Caitlyn Jenner on I'm a celebrity, I've picked 'Another day, another day to excel'. This is what I will recite 3 times every morning. Will I forget? Of course I will.

I'm just about to start my next new job and I'm very excited. This is a chance to start fresh. Get back on plan. Do some fasting and lose my excess weight. Hopefully for good this time as I can't keep doing this. If I've not lost weight by next Christmas just shoot me! I'm happy with 2019 leaving and 2020 coming! It makes me feel positive, excited and motivated. I can do whatever I want to do. I can be whatever I want to be. I can be the best me that I want to be. I can fast, and I can lose weight. I can embrace my new life and be the best employee. I can love and be loved. I can be tolerant, caring and nice. Nobody else can be the best me. It's all down to me, and me only.

Think about your 2019. What's your good, bad and ugly? What changes do you want to make? How can you be the best you?!

Be kind and polite, and the world will be right.
                                                                                 - Paddington Bear

In a flash

WARNING : DO NOT READ IF YOU ARE UNDER THE AGE OF 12.

So this time next week it will all be over! Ah man all the planning and spending and puff, it's done. But today? Today we can still look forward. I love Christmas especially the traditions and nostalgia! We still give the kids Xmas eve PJs, and we leave a drink (more likely cocktails rather than sherry, that we used to leave) and a mince pie for Santa. My children are adults but we still have stockings filled by F.C. Don't you love your own traditions? I do like to hear about what other families do.

Of course it's not quite like what it was like when I was young. For starters I tend not to hang out the window looking at the sky waiting to hear the sleigh bells. The stockings are more voluptuous now. I used to keep the satsuma in my 'Stash' to eat later, but on Xmas morning now everyone just puts them straight back into the fruit bowl! I have no need now to hunt the house trying to find gifts as it was me that hid them. And, of course, I never peek inside any of the presents under the tree (ok, I hardly ever do this anymore!). We didn't have Bucks Fizz when I was a kid but it's a staple now lol. We must get through 3 bottles of bubbly and that's before we've had breakfast. After all, that is why they call it a Merry Christmas!!

I went to my God-daughters Christmas concert this year. I was glad to see that it was at least a small part a nativity. First nativity in years. Do kids even know that Christmas is celebrated because of the birth of Jesus? I'm not religious and I don't believe in God, but to me it's important that the meaning off Christmas is continued. May be a fictional story but it does go back quite a few years.

But the very best thing about Christmas is seeing family and friends. We may not be able to spend the big day with them all but we catch up before and sometimes catch up after. People are happy and full of cheer! And I would like to wish every single one of you a very Merry Christmas, and enjoy your traditions and remember Xmas past! (It's been proven nostalgia is good for you. Read it in the Daily Mail so it must be true). Eat, drink and love!! Give lots of hugs and try not to fight!

Let's be naughty, and save Santa a trip!

Thank you for all the messages after last week's post. It struck a true cord for lots of you. I'm so glad you liked it. x

Men should look away now

Please note - contains swearing.

I'm afraid I've had a really horrible week. Now I know I've mentioned this before in the last few years of writing, but it happens regularly and needs another outing. PMT! Accompanied by very painful cramps. Now I thought this was what all women go through - but a friend has told me she not only didn't get pain but she doesn't believe she had PMT either (maybe I should ask her husband and family this?). But saying that I think a lot of you know all about it. Periods are great - when you want a baby, but not at 11 (when I started) or 50 (shouldn't it be the menopause by now?). For those people that don't suffer or don't have close family that don't really experience PMT  I think it's hard for them to understand how bad it can get. A bit like depression or food intolerance they think it's all a load of rubbish. But it is so not. In fact it's hell. I even think a woman got off with murder because she had it! I've certainly known relationships crumble because of it. My other half struggles big time! It's not just the pain, bloating, water retention, acne, chocolate cravings (one of mine), sleepless nights.... I could go on. For me it's the tears, feelings of helplessness, paranoia, low self esteem, utter misery. I've never missed work or had any real mishaps. Though my boss (female) was told never to accept my resignation at that time of the month lol. But I do know people who really struggle - I've seen my own niece so poorly with her periods she was vomiting. It's so easy for husbands/partners/children to feel so hard done to because they sometimes live with a hormone monster (yes, that's me). They can leave the room, go in the garden, go to work (stay at work and not come home until it's all clear) to get away from the rage, grumpiness, irrationality, crying, short temper etc but what about us women? Do you think we like feeling this way? Do we want to wake up and feel like the world is coming in? That we get cross over silly things? That we burst into tears and sob for no real reason? Trust me, we hate it. I hate it. I hate to need constant reassurance that I'm loved/liked/remembered. I know that these feelings are just caused by my hormones, but it doesn't help because at that moment in time they are very real. And the sad thing is I know I'll feel this way again (in varying degrees) in another 28 days. So if your wife/partner/ mother/sister/friend has bad PMT please just try to remember that whilst it's no bed of roses for you, it's even shittier for her! And all she might need is a hug or reassurance or a bit of patience. Don't be a pig and just walk away, remember she can't!

Anyway, on other more cheerful matters. There are no bloody other cheerful matters, I've got fucking PMT!! Have you not been bloody reading!!!

I like it when you smile. But I love it when I'm the reason.

DISCLAIMER : these are my views only and should not be taken as universal! We are all different and symptoms vary. Whilst this list is valid it is by no means exhaustive. Also - it might be worth asking (when it's not the time of the month) what might help. If you just wade in with a hug you might get kneed in the balls! Just saying like, as we girls are all different. That's what makes us special!

Stranger things

Believe it or not I have actually lost 2lb this week, since I decided to stop dieting! Of course lol. Though this is not the strange thing I was meaning. I've taken myself away for a little mini break. Me, myself, I and the dog! I really wanted to go to that fantastic spa establishment which is my second home aka Ragdale Hall. But I couldn't face the 7-8 hour drive at this time of year. I did think about Scotland's only residential spa but it's not even half the place that Ragdale is, and was the same cost! So I googled hotel spas that were dog friendly. And here I am, Carnoustie!

It was a bargain. I booked a couple of treatments. There's a pool and sauna and steam room (jacuzzi is bloody broken). We are right next to the beach, which doggy has loved. She doesn't want to leave! The room has a sea view. Last night I had dinner in the restaurant - my first Xmas turkey dinner. Tonight I found a Chinese takeaway - Chicken Chow Mein here I come! Before I arrived I did think it was a little strange to come away on my own, but now I'm here it's like, of course I have! I'll do it again!

Count down to Christmas! I've opened the tin of chocolates but I've also left them upstairs in the present room (my spare room). Every evening I run up the stairs with much glee, grab just 4 chocolates and that's me for the night! I've not once popped up for a second handful! It's worked for me! I feel very smug.

I have a date for my new job. 6 Jan! Really enjoying having December off but super excited to start work. My waters telling me it's going to be good. And my waters never lie - rarely lie!

You may have to fight the battle more than once to win it!

Am I Jewish?

I was watching a TV programme the other day and a Jewish lady said being Jewish means food. That's me!

I've really not had the best of weeks. I honestly think just the thought of 'dieting' has made me eat more. I go to sleep thinking of food. I wake up thinking of food. And in the middle I just eat. I wonder with everything if I should eat it. 90% I shouldn't. 100% I still do! I'm not consciously sabotaging my diet but deep down I think I'm just going 'stuff my face' and start tomorrow...every day. Tomorrow never comes! And it's too close to Christmas. There are mince pies needing eating, with cream! What's a girl to do? It would have been nice to lose a few pounds ready to regain them but it's realistically not happening. So I'm taking my foot off the dieting, relaxing about edibles, I'll enjoy Xmas without stressing. Then in the New Year I shall smash it. New year, new job, new (well old) me!!

And the pic? That is a real genuine car insurance quote! Hilarious. Car is only worth about £4,000!!

So I wrote you a lovely long poem, all about Christmas! Hooray

Hooray, hooray, hooray
It's Christmastime again
Though no one will admit it
It's really quite a pain.

We spend weeks and weeks preparing
And spending too much cash
Just for the day itself
To pass by in a flash.

My children are all grown
And both have now left home
This means I need to decorate
The bloody tree alone.

It's really not so bad
I have a plan you see
For all the chocolate decorations
Are now all just for me!

I bake my cinnamon cookies
All day Christmas Eve
And leave one out for Santa
Of course we still believe!

The sun comes up on Christmas Day
We are giggly and excited
3 hours later, let's wake up the kids
We can no longer fight it.

Open the bubbly, pour a glass
Breakfast had begun
Time for the Hero chocolates
But I'll just have the one!

Now the kids are older
I think we're buying less
But half an hour later
It's still a friggin mess!

I'm knackered having cleared
The paper from the floor
Pass me over the Hero's
I think I'll have one more.

I love my gifts, thank you
Though some make me baffle
But never mind, I'll just donate
To the next charity raffle.

A bottle of Tweed, I have received
From my auntie Fleur
Merry Christmas great aunt Mary
I'll re-gift to you next year.

A huge gigantic turkey
I wrestle with the bird
'Help me in the kitchen'
Strange that I'm not heard.

The Christmas specials on TV
We've seen them all before
Go on pass the Hero's
I think I'll have some more.

Is anybody hungry?
Let's have something to eat
Turkey & stuffing sarnies
And open the Quality Street

The day is almost over
Just one more thing to do
Better finish the Hero's chocolates
Seems my 'only one' became a few!!

You know you're getting older, when Santa starts looking younger!

Of course

So I hopped on the scales this morning. And what a pleasant surprise! Kidding, it was anything but! 14st 11lb. Like I just wanted to cry. What the hell is happening? What has changed? Nothing. Just so you're all with me - a reminder. This time last year I was 15st 2lb. I lost 2 stones at the start of the year. I went on holiday for 2 weeks in May, and put on a stone. But that's expected right? Gilly goes on holiday... Gilly puts on weight. 1lb per day. But since then I've stayed around 14st 2lb, for all these months up until now!! Nothing has changed. I've not been 'dieting' in all these months but weight was steady, I was content. But since I've decided to lose weight again it's shooting up. It's piling on and making me sad, and frantic and confused. Sure it's darker now, and much colder, but still?? Really?? Then it hit me right in the face. I know what's bloody changed - my job. Since my working hours changed I've put the weight on. Too much down time!

Now the problem now is that I'm fed up. I've no incentive to lose weight (don't waste your breathe on going down the healthy route, I know it all). I've been dieting half my life now. I've often lost weight, sometimes a little, sometimes a lot. But that's irrelevant now. Today I'm fat. Today I don't see the point in losing weight and I definitely don't see the point in breaking my balls trying to lose weight! Though I have to add, I'll never be happy walking around looking the way I do. I feel trapped between being miserable being fat or being miserable trying to lose weight, all over again!

I've also been baking (and eating). The left is white chocolate & passion fruit. The right is white chocolate & raspberry. Delicious - even if I do say so myself lol.

I'm sorry this week isn't jovial. I shall try harder next week.

Losing weight is hard. Being fat, ugly and unhealthy is hard. I need to choose my hard.

Human psyche

Weight: 14 9

What is it about the human psyche that means that as soon as you decide to go on a diet and lose weight you start eating more and put on weight?! I know it's not just me. I was discussing it with my mother in law. We both decided to knuckle down and lose weight before Christmas. If we can lose say 5lbs, then when we put on 10lbs over the festivities it will only feel half as bad! Something like that anyway. But we've both struggled to get on to a healthier eating regime. It's like just even thinking of reducing calories has your belly rebelling and telling you to eat more, and craze cream cakes!! I need to separate my mind from my body. Trick it so it doesn't realise that I plan to lose weight. It'll have a nice surprise come Christmas when my head doesn't recognise the slimmer body!

This week I went into the loft! Not super exciting but pushed my comfort zone. Like climbing mountains it's the getting down rather than the climbing up! And to add more stress there is the possibility of mice and spiders! Great. I was getting down a suitcase - but not for me alas, it's my daughter going galavanting! She's off to Dubai to meet her boyfriend! Nice.

I have some good news. The interview I told you about the other week looks like it's turning into a new job! Very chuffed and can't wait to seal the deal and get started. Fingers crossed.

My windscreen (see pic) has a ghost. I've had the car about 4+ years and there is no sticker on the window. I've washed it many many times inside and out (when I say I've washed it I'm not even kidding. I must have washed it at least 3 times! My husband has washed it many many times though). And the frost and ice the other morning brought out this impression on the glass. I think it's super weird as there is zero sign of anything normally!

They say you are what you eat. I'd better eat a skinny person then.

Tetchy

Weight today : bugger forgot but about 14 7 😢😢

So I really shouted at my hubby the other day! Now I need to tell you the background first (not excuses. I don't need to provide excuses - he just really annoyed me). But I did have rotten PMT, I had just stepped on the scales for the first time in a few weeks, after having a few days away. I also put my newly washed jeans on and they were proper tight. So Gilly wasn't particularly happy. When I mentioned the tight jeans he told me that's what to expect when I have a diet of biscuits after breakfast (one small biscuit with my 10am coffee) (ok, I had just had breakfast 10 mins earlier). Now husband is thin. He's fit and he's slim. He's the same size he was aged 16 years old! He has never ever been overweight. He has never ever even had to sniff at a diet. He has never considered what he eats, and eats as he pleases. I, on the other hand, have been trying to lose weight for half of my life! I have lost count how many times I've started a diet. I think of food and what I should or shouldn't eat all day every day. I know about how (and how not) to lose weight. So his response on Sunday morning was not appreciated. It's like those people who tell you how to raise your children - even when they don't have any kids themselves!! Really really annoying! Like don't tell your grandmother how to suck eggs!

I took a friend to hospital to get scan results. The consultant (like all doctors) asked about how much she smoked, how much she drank, and how much she ate. The Dr said that when she drinks along with her partner to remember that men metabolise alcohol quicker and better than woman. And that the drink is harming her 3 times more than him! That's food for thought. When I drink it's usually with hubby and I drink the same as him. I need to think of this a little more.

So my plan was to jump back on the Fast 800 plan this week. I was disappointed with my gain, though not surprised (obviously) and I do need/want to lose weight. But like all great plans it fell on the first hurdle - Saturday morning! It's tricky isn't it? I am fed up of dieting and being worried about what I eat! But I'm also so unhappy with the way I look - aka fat! Am I really destined to be doing this dieting thing for the next 30 years? Who the hell can be bothered with that??

You may not like what you see in the mirror, but there is no point arguing with your reflection.

Mountains out of molehills

My comfort zone this week? I climbed Bennachie. For those not local that's a massive, huge, ginormous mountain in Aberdeenshire. Think Ben Nevis and double it! Ok ok ok I'm exaggerating but that's what it felt like hiking up it on Wednesday.  I have done it before, maybe once every few years, but I forgot how tough it is. I'm exhausted just walking to the base! I surprised myself this time though. Normally I have to stop and sit every half a dozen steps, I'm bright red and sweaty, and I'm swearing like a trooper! On Wednesday I stopped and sat down only twice, I was very red and sweaty (see evidence left) but I never swore at all!! I initially had my hair down but I was so hot it felt like I had a blanket over me. I didn't have a hair tie but I did have a poop bag, unused obviously!, and that did the trick - who knew?

It may surprise you that it wasn't the going up the mountain that pushed my comfort zone, it was the coming down. The last 3-4 meters to the summit I was kind of on my hands and knees cos there is nothing step like. Turning round to come down a) you can suddenly see how high you are b) there is nothing step like c) you can suddenly see how high up you are. I wanted to come down the way I got up, on my tummy so I couldn't see the view but I was proper scared and started to cry. Hubby wanted me to come down on my feet but I really couldn't. In the end I slid down on my arse! Never going to the top again! Ever!

The only thing that kept me going was knowing that we were staying at the hotel at the bottom! Bliss. Though my legs are still sore and stairs are a bugger!

A few people have been asking me about my weight this week. This is a weight loss blog after all I guess. So since June I have been fluctuating between 14st 2lb and 14st 4lb which is me maintaining a stone weight loss. Now I have to confess I've not weighed myself in a while - BIG MISTAKE, HUGE! (name the movie?). I do feel my face is all fat and bloated and my tummy is massive, So I think bad news awaits me. Can't weigh myself today as I'm away from home (Enchanted Forest, Pitlochry) but I will next week. I need to stop making excuses and actually do something rather than just talk about it! Here I go again on my own (name the song?).

You may not like what you see in the mirror but there is no point arguing with your reflection.

Next step

With a couple of days spare I decided me and my dog would have a trip home to Newcastle. Had a lovely time. I even resisted going to the Metro Centre! Shock horror. I didn't go to the Angel of the North - this pic was taken a few years ago - but everyone recognises that it represents Geordie land!

So my comfort zone this week? Many of my girlfriend's would think driving 292 miles to my mum's house is comfort zone pushing in itself. I've been doing it for years now and I don't mind a jot. I love to drive so that helps. I played an audio book and the journey flew by. No, this week I had an interview!! And I had to give a 10 minute presentation! Gulp! I think it went well. I did my best. I would really like the job but I just need to wait and see. The job I do at the moment was a very satisfying and worthwhile position! Helping people is definitely my forte. I'm ready for the next step, and my colleagues understand why. As you all know I am sociable and friendly and wonderful (yes, this is just in case an interviewer happens across this ha ha) and I feel I can offer so much more.

So I was watching Lorraine on ITV, well it was Christine actually not Lorraine. In fact it was Dan Wootton, on Lorraine, with Christine instead of Lorraine! Are you with me so far? And he was talking about a programme that had been on about Scarlett Moffat. She broke down talking about her weight issues. And Dan agreed, stating that he also has a lifetime battle about his weight. And I thought that it was so true and so sad! Those of us, and there's quite a lot of us, who have weight problems do have a lifelong battle. Sometimes it feels like it consumes us. That we are defined by our size and our almost permanent dieting! Why do we do it? Is this the life we want? What if we stopped battling with ourselves? Could we actually be content and happy? Would anything (and I mean our weight) be any different? Is this constant struggle saving us from being even fatter? If we weren't fighting with our bodies could we then accept the way we are and embrace it? This sounds idyllic - but the simple answer is NO! No we can't. I can't. You can't. We can't. The battle will continue, sadly, until we eventually just give in!

Nee one is porfect, but being a Geordie is close!! 

Christmas is coming!

So what have I been up to on my first week off work? Writing Christmas cards. I kid you not. Now those that know me well will be shocked as they're thinking they don't ever get a card! The truth being that I am incredibly bad at doing my cards. I usually leave it so late that I run out of time and then it's Christmas Eve! Oops. But there are a group of people who always get a card and that's my 'family by marriage' down south. My in laws make an annual trip down the road and take the cards with them (saves a fortune on post) and not doing them is simply not a option. This year was no exception although I was writing them at 8am Saturday with my in laws leaving at 9am. My mum in law had to provide the cards too as I obviously didn't have any!! I did get my breakfast though lol.  So if you would like a card this year just ask my mum in law and she'll make sure it's done! And, for your information it's only 68 days believe it or not!

My comfort zone? Apart from writing Christmas cards in October? That spider. It was in my utility sink and the size of my palm! Now my normal technique for picking up a spider is shouting very loudly "SPIDER!!" And my husband grabs it and throws it out the door. So I wanted to be a brave piglet and grab it in my hand. But I couldn't! Now I do have history. Once in B&Q there was a small spider, though ugly (think tiger crossed with a toad in the reincarnation of an aracnid). My check-out operators were flapping so I just picked it up and took it outside. And the bloody thing bit me! It was hanging on to my finger!! I thought I was poisoned and about to drop dead!! So,anyway, I really tried to pick up this huge thing but I failed! I did manager to grab it once I put rubber gloves on, if that still counts? Ha ha.

So I've not been thinking about food at all. On one hand this is good because I've not been thinking about all the things I want to eat, and ultimately do eat! But the other hand I have eaten non 'slimming' foods. It's been great I have to admit. Maintaining this weight has been a joy but let's face it I need to knuckle down and lose another stone! Maybe next week I'll start?

It's ok to struggle but it's not ok to give up on yourself or your dreams!

Can't be all bad?

I'm sorry this is so late - I think the first time in 3½ years?! I just wasn't capable of writing, I couldn't see for all the tears pouring from my eyes. I'm not going to bore you with the details because, let's face it it's boring.

However this is what I found (eyes left) when I did a home visit for a client this morning! Now all can not be wrong in the world when there are puppies!! In this case half a dozen 5 week old King Charles Spaniel!! They were adorable. I put one in my handbag as we were leaving, but the owner spotted me and actually demanded him back! How rude! He fitted just fine on my bag thank you very much.

You've all done so very well resisting to emoji or reply on the group what's app/messenger! I know how easy it is lol. But can you imagine your phone pinging or ponging or chirping 50 times on a Friday morning. Or in my brother - in - laws case, 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' playing 50 times. I'm kidding bro!

I'm not sure of this blogs future. It's been weeks since I hit the heady heights of 129 readers! Lol. Seriously the numbers have dropped. Not sure my new system is working as well as Facebook. Either that or I really am boring! Maybe I've just ran out of things to say? My diet is poo so it's not even like the contents are what it says on the tin! So now I have extra time on my hands I'm going to endeavour to test myself with new wild and wonderful things (does learning to use the washing machine count as wild? Or wonderful?) And hopefully interesting blog content. So hold on tight and strap yourself in - one of my adventures will be climbing into the loft, alone and by myself! Thrilling! Gilly the brave piglet!!

Be the reason someone smiles today.

Changes

Hello. My name is Gilly and I'm a Gemini.

You get 2 for 1 with me. Apparently I'm gentle, adaptable and affectionate. I'm also nervous, inconsistent and indecisive. I like music, reading and chatting. I dislike being alone and being confined. It's fascinating because I do agree the all the Gemini traits though I certainly don't read my daily horoscopes as that would be mental. So I've looked up another random zodiac sign - I'm loyal and sympathetic but I'm insecure and suspicious! This is me too! So is that me proving zodiac signs are rubbish? I don't know but I do have faith. The above is just a tiny snap shot. The more I read the more I believe!

Everybody knows they should count their blessings. And whilst we may not go to bed and write down 3 positive blessings from the day, I think we all know what's good in our lives and what's bad. I have often felt very lucky - my family who are healthy and love me, extended family who are well and and love me, some brilliant and loyal friends who love me, my gorgeous dog (you've guessed it) who loves me! Family, friends and pets whom I love. A job I love, holidays and a home I love. Now if I was to lose any of the above then I guess my job is the best option. I've had a harsh and disappointing few weeks. My job has been snatched from me due to no fault of my own. I've cried and been angry but acceptance is a blessing!

Part of the process of getting from sadness and frustration to acceptance and contentment has been scrutinising other elements of my life. I have some family members and friends who are having a tricky time of it and supporting them, mainly through chat (see Gemini above) has a therapeutic affect on me and my issues. I've been looking closely as my relationships - who of my mates/acquaintances are actually genuine and loyal (see wrong sign above - it's Cancer btw)? I'm very happy to say that I have some amazing friends. The comfort they have given me is priceless! Others may slip into the other category which is also very needed and necessary for me, and I'm not dissing this. And a few will slip away and I suspect neither of us will notice.

I thought you'd like to know that I raised £150 for Macmillan through my coffee afternoon! Whoop whoop!

Gemini are a perfect example of the golden rule. They will treat people how they want to be treated until you give them a reason not to.

New beginnings

This is my raspberry and white chocolate cake, ready for my Macmillan coffee afternoon today between 4pm - 6pm. If you want to stop me eating it all (and I have to say it is lush!) please pop over! Everyone is welcome. If you are not local but would like donate I'll put details at the bottom of the page - thank you x

This week has been incredibly crap. I won't bore you with the details, too much to share, but I'm fairly bereft! But not to worry, things are already improving and I honestly think tough times make you stronger. New brighter horizons ahead. I'm excited.

I also won't bore you with my diet this week. Basically it would consist of chocolate, cake, chocolate!! With a little bit of chocolate thrown in for good measure!

So my poem last week was popular and thank you for your kind words. Hubby complained it was 'dark', but at least he isn't beating me up?! About 20 years ago I wrote a poem about a girl being abused. He worried people would think it was real. But I can assure you it's all from my imagination.

My little boy is 19 on Sunday! One more year as a teenager. I love how my children are growing into lovely adults but alas I'm growing older too. Though I've decided that every year for them is 6 months for me. So on my next birthday I'll be 50½! Whoop. I love the conversations we have now he is older... fine/yeah/maybe/don't know/suppose. And that's just me!

Never interrupt your enemies when they are making a mistake!

If you would like to donate £5* please text my unique text-to-donate code TEA QEA3 to 70550. Thank you so very much.

*Texts cost £5 + standard network charge. Macmillan receives 100% of every £1 donated in this way.

Excess skin

I think this picture is funny. It's on Instagram under Trophy Wife Barbie. There are a few pictures on the page but most are not suitable for general viewing. It does make me wonder, whether I'd have an issue with excess skin, when (if?) I ever manage to lose all my excess weight. I don't think so, but until I do I won't know! Is this excuse enough to stay fat?? Ha ha

As part of my holistic health kick I've been training my brain...I'm learning French! I found a great free app and I'm loving it. I practise every day and I even think it's working (learning French that is - I'm not saying my brain is any younger or brighter). Tu es un chat. Brilliant lol.

So, the other night I couldn't sleep. Then suddenly the words to a poem swam into my head. Don't worry - this is very normal for me. It's when I do all my best work. I've written a dozen books, in my head that is, during the dead of night. Anyway, after reciting it several times I had to get up and find a pen and paper so I could write it down, then go to sleep lol. It's been ages since I posted a poem so here it is. Hope you like it??



I see your face, and I just sigh.
Don't want to look, of course I lie.

You stand so near, I can smell your skin
It's been so long, where do I begin?

It must be years since you mattered most
And now it's like I've seen a ghost.

I remember how you broke my heart
My life, right then, was blown apart.

A single tear rolls down my face
You left me, went, without a trace.

Memories folded, locked away
To leak right out, now, today.

I catch them quick, and squeeze them tight
I'll never let them reach the light.

I vow I'll never speak your name
You're out of my life, yes once again.


If nothing goes right, turn left.

Coffee

Hi everyone. Three things to let you know today.

I'm happy because my weight has settled. I was so worried that after my big holiday weight gain plus the extra handful of pounds I then put on, my weight would creep up until the 2 stones that I lost would be back, plus extra, as my body fought to get back to the 15 stones I was! But it seems happy to stay around 14 stone 2 lbs! And I am ecstatic. I was terrified! So I'm still a stone lighter and now....

I'm back on plan properly. Did you read the Van Tulleken twins health project in the paper last weekend? It's not just about weight but also encouraged better sleep, strength exercises as well as cardio, meditation (basically 5 mins to yourself), getting your 10 fruit and veg a day (5 a day is so last year), less alcohol, mind exercises (learning a new language or doing crosswords) and knocking bad habits on the head. It came with ideas and suggestions on how to do this. And (the best bit) came with a 4 week planner. Who doesn't love a tick box?? I'm back on to the Fast 800 and also dealing with all health issues. Sleep isn't really an issue though I am trying not to look at a blue screen before bed. Getting 10 a day is a struggle - that's a lot of food! Though meditation is the hardest. If you know me you know my mind never stops thinking! Trying not to think of anything is almost impossible. But I'm trying lol.

I'm having a Macmillan coffee afternoon on Friday 27 September 4pm - 6.30pm. please feel free to pop along (message me if you need my address). Cake donation welcome (homemade or bought). If you live too far away you can still donate (hard earned cash please) £5* by texting my unique text-to-donate code TEA QEA3 to 70550. Thank you so very very much.

I do charity work. I volunteer my opinion every single day.

*Texts cost £5 + standard network charge. Macmillan receives 100% of every £1 donated in this way.

Mind shift

I don't post these pictures of myself in the expectation of getting compliments. I post them as a statement about me, my life and my dieting challenges. This is what this blog is all about after all. However I was overwhelmed by so many people saying such nice things after last week. And when you're told by several people that you are actually gorgeous it does rub off. I don't really agree because my description of gorgeous is not what I see in the mirror but I am appreciating what others see. I want to thank you all for your words whether posted online or face to face. They ALL meant so much to me. But a couple have helped to shift my mind set. One friend after telling me my exterior is gorgeous went on to say it was my gorgeous inside that reflected out. This was a beautiful thing to hear. And the second was an ex colleague who I'd see at the gym (This was when I was going to said gym). She's like a gym bunny where I'm more of a gym slug. Anyway, she said 'Go to the gym, and then eat cake'. I don't know if she meant literally but I interpreted it as when you do the things you need to do (to get slimmer and fitter) you then get the rewards (the size 12 jeans, lower blood pressure and a big bit of cake). My head feels so different to that of last week. And I thank you all!

When I first started the blog and posted photos of me in my knickers so many people expressed how brave I was. I don't feel brave, it's just my body and I wear a bikini in front of strangers on holiday so I don't think it's any different. But what I'm not brave enough to do is to tell you what I do to scupper my diet, in the painful details. Because I know you'd all shake your heads and mutter 'Jeez it's no wonder she's fat!'. It's crazy mental. To give you an idea - my hubby often asks me if I'd have let the kids eat that for breakfast? And if course the answer is always...no bloody way!! Yes, I am that naughty!

So today's pic? I'm not fond of my legs but I do think they have potential. I just think this photo makes them look good. And I'm quite proud to show them off. Rather than like with the other body shots I post when I feel I should apologise or post a pre-reading warning!!

Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them, and shake the shit out of them until the light comes on!

Monty python

What have the Romans ever done for us? I'm hoping you all know the scene in the Monty Python movie 'Life of Brian'? Because that's been my week...

I'm struggling with this dieting lark a lot! And I've just been asking why the hell am I doing this? I'm spending my life either worried about what I'm eating and trying not to eat it, or I'm just eating it. Why?? Does it matter? Who am I doing this for? Me? Other people? Strangers? My mum? My mum thinks that obesity will kill me before old age gets her (and she's 79!). Though she may not actually say it I know she worries about my health and obesity related conditions.

So why am I trying to lose weight? Well, it'll make my mum happy. But apart from my happy mum why am I trying to lose weight? So I can run around with my grandchild (This was hubby's thought). So apart from my mum and my non existent grandchildren why am I trying to lose weight? Well my jeans would look much better on me. So my mum, my grandkids, my jeans but why am I trying to lose weight? I'll look more gorgeous, I'll fit better in airplane seats, I'll be so happy, I'll get my diamond ring, my blood pressure will improve. So apart from my mum, the grandkids, my jeans, my gorgeousness, airplanes, happiness, rings and hypertension, why am I trying to lose weight??

Wednesday was my rock bottom. Tears at my friends house because I looked in the mirror and saw what I saw - my fat! I was utterly miserable. My mate told me that I was still gorgeous! And I know she really thinks that. I need more convincing though. Then I thought of this week's picture. When I post photos of me (mostly knickers shots) I look a sight! My hairs a mess, no makeup, just rolled out of bed. So my challenge was to post a photo with all my fat (can't really remove it lol) but looking half decent. I don't have to be a clampit just because I'm over weight? Maybe I can feel and look gorgeous?

Life isn't about finding ourselves, life is about creating ourselves.

Think before we speak Mark II

I thought we'd continue along the same thread but have it diet related lol. After all this is why we are here.

My own diet has been ok, not fantastic yet - still a work in progress - but ok. Lost another 1lb and almost in the 13s again! Can't wait ha ha


Things it is not helpful to say to dieters.

1. You don't need to lose weight.

This may be kind but it's not helpful. What size someone would like to be is up to them really. If they have decided to go for it, and try to lose weight, this might have been a big and/or hard decision. Telling them they don't need to will just shake their commitment or resolute.

2. One won't hurt.

So you take cakes into work and you want to share. Again, a nice thought. But encouraging just 'the one' is not a good idea. The dieter might have just the one, and then just another one. Or they might go home and then eat the contents of their fridge because 'that one cake had ruined it all'. Just saying.

3. Don't be boring.

You plan a night out to the local pizzeria with a few friends. The dieter is trying to stick to plan, so declines or maybe asks to join you all after for coffee. Please don't use emotional blackmail. It will just make the dieter feel bad and that's not fair. Boost them instead and tell them how great their determination is. You'll miss them but coffee will be fab.

4. You can't eat that.

Please don't make them feel bad for having a treat. Treats are important, under the plan. You don't know what they've already eaten or what they plan to eat later. Don't presume they don't know what they are doing. Bit rude really.

5. You've lost enough.

Could this be that you're used to seeing them larger so you're just not accustomed to their new size? Are they really taking it too far? Not many dieters become anorexic. Again, just try telling them they look great and much slimmer?

6. Go on, you know you want to.

Bloody hell of course they want to!! But don't help them make a bad choice that they'll probably regret later. Be a nice friend.

7. You just need to exercise.

Yeah if you're an elite athlete and can exercise all day every day! In my humble opinion exercise helps you get fitter and burns a few calories but I can't lose weight without a reduced food plan.

8. You should do Atkins/slimming world/weight watchers/cabbage soup diet etc.

I have been guilty of this. I love the 5-2 and the Fast 800 and like to recommend but at the end of the day there are hundreds of plans and not one suits all. Recommend yes but let a person decide what is right for them.

My hobbies include eating and complaining that I'm fat.

Disclaimer - as usual, these are just my own personal opinions. Go shoot me.

Think before we speak.

I apologise to those of you who like to read my blog for a giggle. No giggles available today, sorry.

I have been a bit low this week (or so) though nothing for any of you to be worried about. I've had these blips before and I'll come out the other end. But it made me think about what people say to me, or others, that's really not helpful (see left).

Disclaimer - I understand that if you don't have first hand experience of depression you maybe don't know what to say, (and I hope) you think you're just being nice. I endeavour for this to be a little insightful for you. And I'm certainly not pointing fingers at anyone specifically. This is just a general post.

1. You have nothing to be depressed about.
This is not helpful because a) we probably already know this, thank you very much. And b) depression does not work like this!

2. You don't look depressed?
Whilst some illnesses are very visible, do not be fooled. Most depressants are very skilled at hiding how they feel.

3. Some people have it much worse.
Yes they do. I have three very good friends who are going through a very tough and challenging time at the moment, that pales to my issues. If I told you you wouldn't believe me. Even the writers of Eastenders who think the story line was too far fetched! But even so, you can't recover from depression because others are worse off. Nope, this just won't work!

4. You just need to exercise.
Yes this definitely helps but you try exercising when you just want to hide under the duvet! And for some it comes hand in hand with anxiety so even leaving the house for a walk can feel impossible.

5. Stop feeling sorry for yourself/pull yourself together.
This person just needs to be slapped - hard.

6. It's all in the mind.
That's the bloody point. My mind is not working properly at the moment. It's not well. That's why it's called a mental illness, idiot!

7. Medication will just make it worse.
This can be true. You can feel much worse in the first few weeks but then things can improve. Sometimes you need to try different types of medication, there's not one to fix all. I just wish people wouldn't be afraid to take medication. Like my doctor told me, if I was having a heart attack I would take the pill. There shouldn't be a stigma to anti-depressants. They really can help you. And they are non addictive.

8. My friend had depression and she cried all the time, so why aren't you then?
Depression is different for everyone. Some can't sleep, some sleep all day. Some can't eat and others eat everything they can etc.

My blog was not planned to be this. I've even had to change the title. I just started typing and this is what we've got. Next week I can write what I thought I would this week.

Now I suppose I should mention my weight. After all, this is why you are here. I have actually lost 2 lbs. Not entirely sure how (see no. 8 - I'm an eater!).

After years of therapy, Wally finally found himself.

If I have done something this week to upset you, or that you found out of character or odd please forgive me. My mind does not compute properly when I'm feeling like this. Thank you xx

If he can do it

So after having a lovely week in Derbyshire and Worcestershire I just knew I'd put on more weight. I could feel it, I could see it and I could taste it. And even though I promised to start daily weigh ins, I was terrified to step on the scales. I didn't want to see me back into the 14stones. I wanted to stick my head in the sand and cross my fingers it would go away! But I've tried using this method of weight loss before and it has never once worked! So I was a brave piglet and weighed myself. And I've weighed myself every morning since!

A friend has just started at Slimming World and asked if I wanted to go too. I declined. Now there is nothing wrong with Slimming World. It works. It worked for me a number of years ago. I lost a couple of stone I think. It was easy and I was never hungry. But at this moment in time it's not for me. I'm back on the Fast 800. It suits me and I know I will get the results I need/want. Losing weight is very individual and one plan does not suit all. Alas this is my journey. Trust me, if I could share my extra pounds I would. But it's all my extra pounds and for me to lose alone.

So the doggy picture? Allegedly the owner of the lovely but fat dog asked his vet to put him down. The vet did not and the dog was fostered. Through diet and exercise (yes that old nugget) the dog lost 100lbs!! He's now a bouncing and happy normal sized dog. The optimist in me hopes the owners request was because the dog was in pain - joints etc. because of his obesity but what if it was just because he was fat? Is he less of a dog because he's fat? And are people less worthy because they are fat? I think yes, sometimes others discriminate and treat fat people poorly! I've felt it myself. They presume they are lazy, ignorant, stupid and less important!! I am lazy sometimes but that's because I'm Gilly and not because I'm fat. I was lazy when I was slim too. But I'm not ignorant or stupid. Would you put me down? Apart from anything I'm pretty sure this dog didn't open the kitchen cupboards and help himself to biscuits, cakes and chocolate!! Anyway, if this dog can lose 100lbs then I can too!

In the end, people will judge you anyway, so don't live your life impressing others - live your life impressing yourself.

First rule of fight club

Well last week's photo was popular. My readers increased. I suspect this week's picture won't have the same effect!

I'm like the antithesis of someone on Instagram who posts pictures of themselves not fully clothed. The difference is that they are showing body perfection - tight bum, six pack on a flat stomach, muscles and slender thighs. Exactly...nothing like me! Even I find it weird that I post some photos of me knowing that I'm not in the slightest bit proud. But I am a little pragmatic. I'm obviously happy to say this is me, like it or lump it! Though I choose to lump it.

The whole self love (I'm not being rude here) is still not fitting. I mean the inside is ok. I try to be a kind, nice person and I basically am I think. I have my flaws too but that's normal, isn't it? But the outside - nope, not feeling the love. Flogging a dead horse, it is never going to happen. It's not every last inch of me but the bits that I hate I will always hate, always, unless I can change it. I might learn to live with it but I'll never love it.

So I've broken my first cardinal rule of weight loss! WEIGH YOURSELF DAILY! And I have completely ignored this. Partly because I know that a morning step on the scales means I'm mindful of weight and I don't want to be (at the moment - head in sand etc.). But also because I am simply out of the habit. I need to get into the habit again. Even if I still choose to eat that cream cake I need to have the option. Without weighing myself I'm not even giving myself a option. The cake is eaten without a bye or leave. And this is dangerous!

Enjoying a lovely week in Derbyshire. It's so pretty and idyllic (see photo taken in a gorgeous village called Tissington). Once I'm back home I'll start to at least give myself the option of getting onto plan.

Holiday calories don't count! Everyone knows that!

I love me, who do you love?

You can imagine what it was like taking that photo. 'No, I look fat!' - well I'm not going to look like a size 8 model with my thighs, no matter how many pictures were taken!! I mean, I suppose I maybe should have at least combed my hair and put on mascara? But I knew you'd prefer au naturale  lol.

So this trying to love oneself is tricky. I've been reading and investigating and working out how to do it. This is what I've heard is recommended.

1. Look at your naked body in the mirror for 20 minutes.

So...fat thighs, fat arse, fat tummy, ok tits, nice shoulders, chubby face. Right, bored now, seen it, let's move on....Next!!

2. Say an affirmation 3 times every day.

I picked 'I am gorgeous, I'm good enough'. But can I say this out loud? No ha ha not without laughing. Just feel ridiculous. I mean really? It's lying, it's not what I think or feel. Of course this is why I'm doing this in the first place.

3. Keep a journal.

Well I kind of do, with this blog. But I think the journal idea is to be completely honest. And whilst this blog is absolutely honest - I don't tell you everything! I need my secrets!! Like where all my chocolate is hidden.

4. Do things you love.

I have spent time on this one. Partly trying to figure out what it is I love. Some of the things I think I love I've discovered I don't really. e.g. Watching tv. We all love a bit of TV but the danger is just watching crap for the sake of it. I love watching a really fantastic programme, great but lots of my tv is crap. Also some of the things I love to do needs another person. (Get your head out the gutter, I don't mean that lol). I love playing badminton but playing by yourself is tricky. No matter how hard I try I can't run round the other side of the net in time to return the shuttlecock!!

5. Never call yourself names.

If I call myself fat am I calling myself names or just being honest?

6. Get rid of negativity.

I am very cynical and lack self esteem. I'm amazed when people pay me compliments. I tend to think they are just being sweet or kind and to a certain extent, feeling sorry for me. Like the runt of the litter 'ooh he's so cute and sweet'. I was at my husband's long service dinner with his work. All dressed up etc. I got a lot of compliments from people I didn't know, like how pretty and stunning I was. But all I could think was if it was, say, Gwyneth Paltrow would they still be so willing with the nice remarks. In my head they really meant 'For a fat lass you scrub up ok'!

Obviously this loving myself still needs some work. Onwards and upwards. I will no longer put my life on hold waiting to be perfect!!

You're always with yourself so you may as well enjoy the company.

One day is important - today!

My neighbours offered me top soil for my veg plot. We first needed to find it - not grown anything for a few years! It was buried behind 6 foot bushes in the back of the garden. Weeds were shoulder height and a couple of trees had grown in it - not even kidding. My son decided (with a little help from mum) that it should be his project! All yesterday morning he worked on the weeds. What an improvement!! I just wish I'd taken a before picture. Anyway I shall keep you posted!

So I was chatting to a friend about this new craze of aging yourself using an app! And how we all want more. We put our lives on hold waiting until we are thinner, richer, prettier. And now we want to look into the future to see what we might look like when we're 80! Why are we wishing our lives away? Which brings me to....

I've not given up wanting to be a healthier weight (no way!) But it's not happening just now. Not the right frame of mind, and we all know how important that is. But whilst I wait for everything to slot back into place I need to be happy with what I have. It is not perfect but it's me. I want to be confident and content with today's Gilly, and not sit just praying for the perfect Gilly (which obviously doesn't exist - let's face it, even at size 12 I'll still only be 5' 3", still have stretch marks and my c-section scar. I'll still have grey roots and hair that goes mental when it's not had a blow dry. I'll probably still have a wobbly tummy and not so very perk boobs. And I'll definitely still have weird feet). Therefore I want to embrace this life, my body - what it can and can't do. I'll be confident and sexy and not worry about my fat and my bum. And until I actually feel confident and sexy I'm going to fake it until I make it. My mum always said I should be an actress. I'm going to pretend to be that Gilly. And one day I will morph into her.

Whilst I'm doing this I going to endeavour to at least stay in the 13s. My scales will not creep into the 14 stones!! Surely I can manage this at least. Just a wee concession!

"I just want to live each day and invent my own rules" Said by actress Lily James, Okay magazine Sept 2019

Popular beanbag

Hey I actually lost 2lb this week, no idea how! Every day I planned to kick start my weight loss with a fast day. Started well every day, ended badly every day. C'est la vie!

However, I was at the blood pressure clinic and my weight is still less than it was when I was there in March (and that was a stone lighter than the time before). BP 140/80 so not bad, an incentive to actually lose weight again (because let's face it, I don't have many incentives lol). The BP nurse even said she'd read this blog! *

The other day we had 3 Celebration chocolates left in the tub. 2 Bounty and 1 Snickers. I ate both the Bounty (yes, I'm greedy and yes, no one else likes Bounty) and gave the Snickers to my hubby. He said (and I quote) "I'll have it later, I'm full after dinner". WHO does that?? It was a tiny mouthful of chocolate!! He was too full for a tiny chocolate?! I nearly grabbed it back to eat myself. Ha ha ha. And yes, that's why he's slim and I'm fat!

I've discovered this week that you don't eat Jelly Tots** by the handful. Just doesn't work. To enjoy Jelly Tots** at their best, eat them one at a time. Trust me on this. I've done extensive tests!

This week I have purchased a sofa, a huge armchair (cancelled - won't fit 😢), 5 pairs of curtains, 4 pillows, 6 pillowcases, 2 double beds, 2 mattresses, a carpet, a Scentsy warmer, a kettle, 2kg coffee beans, a double sheet, a hoover and a packet of Jelly Tots.

Better never stops. (Andy Murray's t-shirt Wimbledon 2019)

* That is - she would read (reed) and not she had read (red). 

**Other sweets available. Don't eat too many. And according to my dentist yesterday, sweets and chocolates should only be consumed at meal times. That definitely sounds like it's perfectly fine to eat a Mars bar for lunch 😃

Excuses, excuses

Weight today: don't want to talk about it, but I'm still in the 13s, just!
Weight gain: bloody hell, afraid so, but let's not talk about it!

So last week I mentioned that I was running out of excuses.. So I thought you might like to hear them?

1. Pretty sure we all do this.
So your day is going just fine, when (for example) a colleague brings in cakes for the office. So you have one, one little cake, what harm can it do? Until your brain goes "I've had a cake, I've ruined my diet, I may as well eat that pie/ice cream/chocolate/chips/lasagne/garlic bread and start again tomorrow! This is moronic! A cake is one thing and an easy fix but then eating your body weight in more 'naughty' food is mental.

2. Wardrobe malfunction.
I have some really nice clothes that fit me now. If I lose weight it'll be such a shame that they'll be too big. This is another crazy one because I have loads of really lovely clothes that don't fit me because they're too small! And I'm sure I'd look better wearing nice clothes that fit me when I'm slim than wearing nice clothes that fit me now?? Quid pro quo!

3. It's that time of the month that I need chocolate.
So this one is very real. I might use my period as encouragement but I swear I 'need' the chocolate!

4. This one is totally mental.
So I think I've had a great week but when I step on the scales I've put ON weight! The hands go up and flail about and I stomp around and swear. FFS why bother? Diet isn't working I might as well just give up and eat chocolate! No one can think this is sane! Silly Gilly.

5. I've been on holiday.
I won't apologise for this one. I love my holidays and I refuse to watch what I eat when I'm there. I could be a little better behaved when I'm away e.g. Fruit cocktails instead of creamy ones, sandwich instead of pizza, more vegetables instead of chips. But, yeah, that ain't going to happen, ever!!

6. Waste not want not.
I need to get on plan but I've lots of (unhealthy) food to eat first. This is a bit of a con because I'm the one who went to the supermarket and bought the scrummy delicious, oops sorry - I mean unhealthy, food in the first place lol. But yeah, once it's bought I have to eat it, I could never throw it away just to start my diet again lol.

If you always do what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always got!

The picture is a ginormous beanbag which has come to my house to live, from my daughter who just couldn't look after it anymore!

What am I writing today?

Weight this week: the same
Holiday gain now: the same

I have literally run out of excuses. I should be back on plan but I'm not. I should have lost my holiday gain but I have not. I should be a gorgeous size 12 but I am not! So many expectations so many disappointments.

However, it's not just my weight loss that's on hold. I feel like my whole life is. What am I waiting for? What do I want? If I'm waiting until I'm 10 stones I will have a long wait. But that's the point. Don't put your life on hold just waiting. Waiting until you are slim? Waiting until you win the lottery? Waiting until you get a better job? Or meet that perfect partner? Or the sun comes out? Stop waiting and start living. Don't wait another day.

For those that don't know what I do - I help people with cancer. Get benefits, employment advice, housing advice, general advice. And my clients die. Every week. They die. It's sad, it's life (so to speak). Last week she was a 36 year old single mother. I helped her and I'm proud that I could. But please learn from my words. Go out today and do something you love. Don't know what you love? Work it out, try a few things, push yourself out of your comfort zone - nothing will ever grow there! Take chances, take risks. Feel the adrenaline, feel alive. Life is for the living. We're dead a long time!

Oh my! Too dark?? It's just the way I'm feeling today. But I believe what I say even if I don't practice what I preach lol.

A ship is always safe at shore, but that's not what it was built for.

Mobiles

Weight today: 13 10
Loss this week: zero
Holiday gain now: still 8lbs

As you can see from my lovely breakfast the other day it's not been a week conducive to losing weight. Lots of gadding about, eating and drinking and just busy. No excuse I know but it's the one I'm using! I absolutely have not managed to get back on to plan but I will. I So will because I'm unhappy and determined.

I've had some problems with my mobile phone. Long story short I was back in the shop. They took the SIM card out then couldn't put it back. So I agreed to leave it while I did my messages (some of the gadding about mentioned at the top). I wasn't expecting an important call or message so I thought even I could manage a few hours without it. Ha, who was I kidding. 1. I couldn't see the time on my watch without putting my specs on. This was highly annoying. I hadn't realised that I generally check the time on my phone, who knew? Well I do now! 2. I had a hospital appointment (don't worry - just immunology about my allergic reactions). I arrived a little early. Hospitals and doctors no longer have magazines in the waiting rooms. So I went to get my phone out my pocket to play a game (Block Puzzle if you're interested). Uh-uh! No phone. Sat bored and just read the posters over and over. Funnily enough all about weight loss ha ha. 3. I then had afternoon tea for one booked (don't ask why I went alone - long story). It was a Groupon deal and I hadn't printed off the voucher as it was in my phone! Bugger! Had to get my daughter to come to the hotel so I could log into my account on her phone! D'oh. 4. I then couldn't take a picture of said afternoon tea to annoy everyone on what's app showing off the lovely cakes etc. 5. Last but not least I didn't have my Morrison's loyalty card when I put fuel in the car! Not a biggy this one but still another reason why I really missed my phone!!

Right I promise you a weight loss next week!

One day your life will flash before your eyes, make sure it's worth watching!

Other views

Weight today : 13 10
Holiday gain now : 8lbs
Loss this week : 1lb

I think the picture says it all. (Ignore the fact my carpet needs hoovering). I'd had a couple of glasses of wine the other day and really fancied some chocolate. I normally have plenty of supplies for such emergencies, but the fridge was empty. Luckily my son is home from uni. And he has to pay his way somehow. So off he toddled to Asda. What a good lad. I was spoilt for choice. Obviously I didn't eat it all... in one sitting!

So a friend of mine posted on Facebook this week, and I found it very interesting. She'd read a post on her feed about a woman who had lost weight, going from size 12-14 to a size 6 and she shared an image of her body before and after. (I didn't see this original post so can't comment on the pictures per se. Nor can I comment on whether this new size 6 was appropriate for her build (a height of 4' 8" or 5' 10" makes a huge difference)). My friend (as an adult) could appreciate that this woman had lost weight sensibly and healthily and could understand how proud this person obviously was off her achievement. What worried my friend was the image and what it says to impressionable teenagers. That being thin is the be all and end all (my words not hers). That young people receive an onslaught of body images and may learn that this is the way we should all endeavour to look. And that when we don't, we are somehow sub-standard. I messaged my friend as I was curious as to whether it was the woman's ultimate size (a 6 is pretty small) or just the fact she posted her body image that worried her so much. (It was the posting of her image). My friend would have preferred if she had just posted about her previous poor eating choices and how she had made the decision to eat healthier. About how much better she felt with a healthier lifestyle. I completely understand where my friend is coming from. We hear all the time that children so young that they are still in primary school become obsessed with their body image, of 'dieting'. The obsession of selfies. And that anorexia affects younger and younger girls, and boys too! Now I too post images of my body. Of course my images are mostly of how overweight I look rather than how slim I look - but what's the difference? My friend doesn't care what size a person is and would like us all to concentrate on being healthy and strong and empowered. I agree. But (there's always a but) we can not forget that obesity is at epidemic proportions. That they now think it causes more cancers than smoking. Then the heart attacks, strokes, diabetes - I could go on but we know it already. I would like to think that if we all ate healthily and exercised the natural by-product would be no obesity! However we (by we I mean the government and health service and media etc) have been saying this for years and look at us! We are fatter than ever. I'm not sure that the soft approach works! It's a massive balance! Young people desperate to be thin no matter at what cost, and those that are fat and need the hard truths. I don't have the answer. Do you?? Maybe (and it is a maybe) becoming slim needs to be promoted because of the health benefits but let's face it (and I am guilty as sin) most dieters motivation is mainly the way they look, and the health benefits are a bonus. The health benefits are not so easily seen let's face it. Hopefully I won't get any obesity related illness but it's so hard to quantify! I can 100% see that I'll look so much better wearing size 12 jeans but preventing something that I don't have and might not ever have, even at my current size, is just so different - so shoot me, I'm just being honest, sorry. I'm pretty sure all my readers are adults so I'll not worry about my blog or my body image photos, for now at least.

Why did the nurse need to carry a red pen? In case she needed to draw blood!

Feel free to comment on this week's post. I will not be offended. Likewise I trust I've not offended any readers xx

50 ain't so bad

Weight today: 13 11
Holiday gain now: 9lbs
Lost: 2½

This week hasn't been the week for getting back onto plan - I've celebrated my birthday all week! It's been fantastic and I'd like to thank everyone for my birthday wishes, gifts and cards! You're all so kind and thoughtful. To spend time with my family (from Newcastle, Worcestershire, Portsmouth and Canada!, and of course here) and friends was a little overwhelming. I love you all. My favourite gift? Was a poo stick from the NHS for my bowel screening ha ha ha. The joys of getting older!

So I was trying to find an old friend on Facebook the other day. I've not seen her for almost 20 years and we've lost touch. A fortune teller in about 1988 told her we'd be friends always - not a very good fortune teller lol. Instead I found an old boyfriend, as you do. We broke up over 30 years ago!! I'm so tempted to message him just to say hi. I told my hubby and he simply asked just 'Why?'. And I really don't know why. Is it because I've had this birthday and I'm feeling old? Or is it my job - all my clients are sick and mostly terminal - and I think life is too short? Or am I just nosey? Obviously I read some off his posts, looks like he recently got married. Maybe his wife is a crazed, jealous bitch and will come after me with a pick axe? It's a can of worms. I finished with him for a reason (yes, I finished with him!) Though it made me sad. I was 18 years old and it was very much the dramatic emotions that only teenagers have - 'My life is over as I know it/I'll never love again/My heart is broken into a million pieces/I'll never get over him'. I'm going with the nosey option. I'm so very curious. But you know what they say...Curiosity killed the cat (but satisfaction brought it back). To be continued....

Right guys. Back on track now. The extra stone has made me very miserable and I've started to snore again!! I'll lose this extra weight (yet again) then on to the task of losing my next 3 stone! Oh boy oh boy oh boy.

Your ex? They're not friends and they're not enemies, they are just strangers with some shared memories.

The D-Day celebrations this week have been so moving. It's so important as we lose the last of that generation that the new generations never forget! We are nothing without our history! God Bless we owe you ask much.

Holy cow

Weight today : 13 13½
Holiday gain : 11lbs

So my first weigh in after returning from holidays was showing a gain of virtually a stone!! (Lost 2lb since then lol) I don't know why I'm so surprised, I normally gain ½ stone in a week aka 1lb a day, so a 2 week holiday... Obvs! (I must have had a great time though).

I have to admit there were some noticeable benefits to going away 2 stones lighter than last time -

1. I'm so hot in the evenings that I usually have to always wear my hair up, as it feels like wearing a blanket on my back but this time I didn't need the obligatory pony tail or bun! Of course my hair still looked a mess, frizzy with the humidity and heat, but a long mess rather than an up mess.

2. I could tolerate a napkin across my lap when eating outside. Sounds stupid but my extra insulation makes me very warm normally and table cloths against my legs are just too many layers.

3. Not drowning when lying on a float in the pool on my tummy. Lying on my back is always fine but when I flip over my extra weight makes the float sink and the pool water covered my mouth and nose. This time I could happily float and continue to breathe air. A bonus I find!

4. I needed a medium BCD (the diving jacket) instead of a large. I was very excited with this! Whoop whoop

So after last week's post my sister suggested that I don't eat wheat! Ha ha, sensible idea I suppose. Well I can tell you now that I did try. All the way until lunch when I ordered a pizza (they bring it to the sunbed/pool side - awesome). So I realised that this was disappointing so I tried harder and managed until dinner, when they offered delicious warm bread with oil and balsamic (come on, admit it, who could say no?). I could hear sis nagging so I tried extra hard, until bed time when I accidentally had a warm chocolate chip cookie with my coffee (or glass of Bailey's). But I did honestly try!!

How to have a beach body? Have a body and go to the beach! 

PS Yes that's me diving in the picture - cool shot I thought. Just slowly descending to the bottom inn the sea bed.

What a difference a week makes!

So for those that don't know (not many of you) I'm on my holly-days. In Jamaica, yeah mon!

If you've been reading my blog for awhile you'll know that I don't say things to be popular or what I think my readers will agree with. But neither do I say stuff just to be controversial or to get a reaction. These are just my own views - maybe warped or strange, but still just what I think about life. I don't seek your approval or appreciation, though I do love your comments on Facebook!!

Now I am very aware (and prepared) to put on a few pounds whilst away. I'm not naive or under any illusions - if I eat more than I usually do and drink lots of cocktails then the scales will change. However the shock has been in the bloating! Of course this is wheat. (Long story short - wheat made me sick, blood test showed intolerance, probably shouldn't eat it). And here is the but!...but my sister's and daughter and cousin and nephew have coeliac disease which means gluten is 100% off their menu! But I just have a intolerance which is so different, I almost feel obliged to eat a bit of wheat - pizza, bread at dinner, cookies! Because they absolutely can not. But my God!!! So I don't get the horrendous stomach cramps like I used to but the bloating is something to behold! My tummy looks 7 months pregnant and my face looks like a balloon! It's at the point where I don't want my photo taken. It's disgusting! You could take a pin to my face and burst it! Not nice at all.

But let's end on a good note. I have been such a brave piglet. We went to the Blue Holes - waterfalls with clear blue ponds. But you had to jump in! And the jumps got higher and higher! The last one was 15' high. I was so very scared (I was even crying) but I was so determined!! Anyway I did it and was proud of myself. It made the zip lining later than day a breeze lol.

Fear is temporary, regret lasts a lifetime!