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Woe is me?

 

We've had a few days away. Hot tub, sauna, double bath, lots of prosecco - all very romantic. One afternoon I decided to snuggle on the hammock with my blanket and a book, in the sun and fresh air. Guess who decided to join me? Oh yes, Libby the Labrador likes a hammock and furry blanket too! So much for peace and book reading lol.  She does snuggle well though! 

I don't want this to be doom and gloom - you know I always try to make you smile rather than frown - but today it's all gloom and doom. My diet? What diet? Yet again I've failed to pick up the pace. I'm in that place where I'm stuck in a jam. I can't do what I need to and I'm not losing weight. I've been doing this, writing my diet blog, for over 4 years and I've got no where. I've been trying to lose weight for 27 years. And where have I got? Just round and round in circles. I have some success then it slips and I go back to the beginning. What the hell do I do? After all this time we can't say that I'm a successful dieter can we? But how long do I keep on this treadmill? I'm miserable. Miserable at failing. Miserable at not managing to keep off what I've lost. But most of all I'm miserable being fat! It's not attractive. And it's really not healthy. But what do I do? I'm sorry guys, I know I've said all this before. I'm sorry I can't entertain you. I'm sorry that my blog might stop. No point me just writing about how bad I am at dieting! Don't you think? The thing is I don't think I can stop. I can't accept the way I look! I really really want to be thinner, healthier. I want to stop snoring and reduce my blood pressure if nothing else. Please don't tell me I'm lovely as I am - thank you though. If you can think of anything to say to help me though I'd appreciate your input. I can't do part time dieting, I can only do all in. So close to Christmas I'm demotivated knowing that any weight I might lose now will all go to pot during the festivities. And I just can be arsed to put in that kind of effort to feel shit again come new year! The only thing keeping me going is that after Hogmanay it's a new year, new start! I'm forgetting about losing 5 stones. Just 3! I just want to go full throttle and lose 3 stone. I should feel and look better then. And at that point I'll deal with the almost inevitable, trying to stay there. 

Sorry this has been a bit poo. Please message me with your thoughts and ideas - if you think you can help me I'd be forever grateful xx

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and tell me it's ok. To give me a large glass of prosecco and £5,000,000! 

7 weeks to go.

I bought a new coat - see pic. I needed something warm and cosy and damp proof, mostly for walking Libby the Labrador. This is all of that but more, it's actually too warm at the moment! It'll come into it's own when the weather gets proper cold. I got a size 18 as I normally wear a size 16. I got it home and decided a size bigger would be better, so I can get a think woolly jumper underneath. Back at the shop it felt unpleasant asking for a size 20! I've never had any item of clothing in a size 20, ever. I didn't like it but then I realised that it's not the size of your clothes that dictates your fatness but your actual fat. If the coat had accidentally been given a size 12 label that wouldn't make me a size 12. I went into the store with a size 18 and came out with a size 20 but I hadn't actually got any fatter in that 10 minutes.  I mean most of my clothes and all my jeans are size 16 - from Tesco & Asda where I buy them. I bet I couldn't get into a size 16 in Next or M&S. But I'm not bigger in those shops am I? My body size is my body size regardless of the number.

So Christmas is coming! Now we're into November the festive traditions begin. So far I have - 

- drank mulled wine 

- eaten a few mince pies.

- put the Xmas bedding on my bed

- bought 80% of my presents

- worn my new Christmas top

- seen a house with their Christmas lights up

What I haven't done yet -

- put up the decorations (has to wait until December)

- written cards (probably won't get done)

- made a Christmas cake (definitely won't get done)

- played festive music in the car (this will be soon)

- finish my Christmas shopping (this will be very soon).

- opened the Heroes (um, I'll keep you posted on this one)

Enjoy your November and get your traditions started. Though my son thinks nothing about Christmas should be done until December! Bah humbug! 

I thought that having stitches in my mouth and being tender & sore would have helped my diet, but alas no. Zero weight loss again this month. Life is just getting in my way. Bah humbug to diets! 

Doing your best in this moment, puts you in the best place for the next moment.

Ladies

 

As you can see I've been to the dentist and had a tooth root cut out of my gum. Cow bone has been inserted which will hopefully fuse to my own bone. I've had six stitches which will be removed in a couple of weeks. Hopefully in 9 months I'll be able to get a new tooth implanted. I do have a false one to tide me over. So I won't be scaring the children for long. It's just my Halloween look.

So if you're not a lady you might want to turn away now. In fact some ladies might want to miss the rest too. I'm talking about periods. Yes it's been discussed before here, but mostly the PMT aspects. Now it's the nitty gritty. My periods started almost 40 years ago on 13 March 1981 (and yes, it was a Friday!). I was still only 11 years old. I hated them then (though it made me feel grown up) and I hate them more now. For starters I've always had bad cramps that last at least 2 days if not more. I was told they'd get better after having children - they haven't! So 2 days every month for 40 years is 960 days (about 3 solid years!) of pain and misery. Ok we can take off pregnancy and breast feeding months but still! On top of that we have sanitary protection. In 1981 a huge wad in your knickers like a nappy! Yuk. But at least I didn't have to wear a sanitary belt like 60 years ago. And trying to negotiate tampons at the tender age of 11 was interesting. I abandoned my first try, and just popped it back in the box. My older sisters were not impressed (unsurprisingly - jeez Gilly!?) I was very young! Of course we all have our period pants. Black, big, comfy things. No one wants to wear their pretty sexy knickers at this time of the month. (No! I didn't have sexy knickers at 11, now I'm talking about when I was older). I had my two children 7 years apart. For me, 10 years of menstruating would have sufficed thank you. As I get older I hate them even more. It's just a smelly sticky painful waste of time. And money. My sister did tell me about the moon cup which is very eco friendly but it didn't appeal. Luckily my periods are very very light (I absolutely feel the pain of my friends who have really heavy ones that last for days - I just can't imagine it). Anyway, the whole point of this rant is that I've discovered actual period pants! No other protection needed! How fab is that? I'm so delighted. They are pretty big, and very comfy but they are not attractive at all. I've not even shown my husband they look so unattractive but they are so worth it. I wish they'd been invented when I was 11!! Now you might be thinking that getting period pants at the ripe old age of 51 is a bit late in the day? Maybe, but not only are they period pants they are pee pants too! Ha ha ha ha ha!

It seems impossible, until it's done.

Sex sells...

...In so much as my blog the other week with my skinny dipping picture had double readers than normal! One pervert looking at my bum over and over? Lol. Liz is this you?? 

Who doesn't love autumn? All the lovely colours and crisp frosty mornings with mist on the meadows. Pulling out your cosy woolly jumpers and nice thick tights to cover your legs (mostly ladies - but I'm not judging). Comfy boots can be worn every day. Our covid restrictions forcing us to see family and friends outside, but this is nice. Fresh air and pompom hats. Fingerless gloves (which I don't actually have but would like (Xmas is coming) - colourful jolly ones not boring ones. Anyone? 😄). Sitting in the garden with an indulgent hot chocolate, and homemade s'mores (see pic above). Sometimes with a blanket wrapped around my legs like a little old lady - brilliant. The chiminea lit giving off a lovely warmth and a wood crackling noise. I've already shared a few hot mulled wines with my neighbours! Early? But why not? It's also the best time to use a hot tub. I don't have one of these either but I can obviously only ask one person for this Christmas gift! Son, you want to buy mum a hot tub?? It's getting dark at night, and even darker after this weekend. But the house has a lovely glow as we put on the corner lamps and light the scented candles. TV has new series' starting (The Great British Bake Off is one of my absolute favourites) and watching in front of the fire is the only way. We have pumpkins and ghosts and fireworks! And the promise of a lovely Christmas. Walks in the woods and red wine with dinner. Satisfying puddings like apple crumble or jam roly poly. I could go on and on! What's not to love of autumn?

Ok I suppose I should mention my weight loss. Nothing to report I'm afraid this week. Stayed the same. Too many s'mores I'm guessing lol.

There is no way to happiness. Happiness is the way.

My diet

I wrote this blog and went to add the photo. I hit the wrong button and I lost all the text! So this is me writing it again. I bet it's not as funny as the first edit 😢 

So my weight loss? I put on 3lb on holiday but I've lost it this week so that's good - hooray! I'm now 14st 9lb which is 2lb heavier than June but 10lb lighter than March when I started. I've been having lots of thoughts about my diet this week.

Firstly, I watched the Freddie Flintoff programme about his bulimia. It was very interesting and I could relate to a lot he was saying. Like how he feels when he looks in the mirror, looks at a photo or puts on his clothes. The guilt he feels when he eats. I found Freddie to be a little in denial about the potential consequences of this eating disorder. He needed to exercise, a lot, to compensate his eating, and of course he purged. I don't make myself sick (I detest being sick) and I don't have an eating disorder, or do I? I like healthy food but I'm drawn (compelled) to eat the 'naughty' stuff. I eat too much. I eat the wrong things too often and I feel bad about eating. On occasions I also binge. All of this is not exactly normal. But it can also go too far the other way. There is an eating disorder where someone is obsessed with only eating healthy food which is still a control thing. It's called orthorexia. I like being healthy but....

.... Let's face it I'm never going to be that person that jumps out of bed raring to go to the gym, or a 5 mile run, or that spinning class. I used to go to circuits twice a week at 6.30am for months! Often alone. I enjoyed it (when it was over) but it was always a struggle to go. I will always be that person that wants a pudding instead of a starter. To want that extra chocolate or piece of crusty bread with lots of butter. It will always be a challenge for me to watch what I eat, to resist my eating (either in the amount or the choices) and to do exercise! It makes me sad and confused that I'll spend the rest of my life (hopefully many years) fighting with myself. I don't want to be fat or unfit but the getting there, and staying there, is like pushing water uphill. Help! 

I washed all Libby's toys and hung them out to dry! She was successful in grabbing one off the line (picture below) cheeky monkey!

Be nice to strangers. They are just friends that you haven't met.

Skinny dipping

 

Right you lot, don't try zooming in to see if I've got any bum fluff. And I don't mean a juvenile moustache and beard! 

So we've been on holiday, in the Highlands. Starting at Achmelvich with the most stunning beach. Honestly it's up there with any Caribbean beach I've been to. It was gorgeous. Now I had decided that I wanted to go into the sea here before we arrived. Our first morning, we went down (only 100 yards from our accommodation pod). Me in my swimming costume, dressing gown and woolly hat. It was a lovely sunny morning and I desperately wanted to skinny dip but although it was very quiet there was a couple of people who seemed keen to see what I was doing (they clocked me in my dressing gown - and a stunning sight I was, see below and you'll be able to agree lol). With such an attentive audience I kept my costume on. In I went, with Libby swimming next to me. She thought it was the best thing ever, and she just loved swimming with me! It was very cold (though hubby assured me it would be warmer than the North Sea) but I too thought it was the best thing ever! I didn't swim - because I'm not a good swimmer. I didn't go too far in because I'm scared of water (and, yes, I am a fully qualified Advanced Open Water SCUBA diver - sorry, just wanted to get that in.) But I went all the way up to my neck and I loved it. As soon as I was out I wanted to go back in. The next morning, another lovely day and the beach was deserted! Off came my clothes and another dip in the Atlantic took place. Loved it all the more for being a rudey dudey! I was a little worried that I might have a heart attack but husband also assured me I'd be fine. And I didn't even have my woolly hat on the second time. I'd read up a bit about wild swimming and I was convinced a woolly hat was an absolute must. But I survived so it's all good.

We've walked a lot, on beaches, across moors, up hills. I wish I could share all my photos. I can't check my weight but I'm pretty sure I'll have gained. In spite of all the exercise I've enjoyed G&Ts and a few nuts before dinner, wine with dinner and pudding after dinner. After our self catering pod we had 2 nights in a hotel and enjoyed full breakfast and very tasty bar suppers! But holidays are enhanced by nice indulgent food. I'm not wrong am I? Or do I live in my fantasy world? Either way I'm sure I'll have put on a few pounds. And I don't care. I mean I don't care today. I may care a little more once I'm home, stepped on the scales, and realised I need to lose those pounds all over again! Ah poo! 

Whit’s fur ye’ll no go by ye! – What’s meant to happen will happen.

A different tree

 

So my tree has not grown and my bum has not shrunk this week! I think it's the time of year that effect both. Autumn has arrived in the calendar, and the weather! Brrr.

My son came home (this is allowed as he is an 'exception' - he's a single household). He was supposed to stay a week but no one told him, explicitly. There was a moment of panic when he realised this and he announced he had to be back after the weekend. A short but lovely weekend was had though. We celebrated his birthday (early). His aunts and uncles had to come in their pairs, one left as the other pair arrived.  We duly met in the garden. We supplied a lit chiminea, blankets and hot drinks - but boy it was chilly! Very civilized afternoon still. The next day we did it again with my neighbours and George. It was much less windy therefore much warmer and pleasant. I think my boy enjoyed it all.

So we have an apple tree, planted a good decade ago. The last few years it has borne fruit, and each year the crop grows. Then just a couple of years ago another (existing tree) suddenly grew apples. As you can see from the photo the fruit is pretty small! And hilarious considering we didn't even know it was an apple tree! Who knew? Just decided to spring into action one day! Anyway this year we've decided not to let the apples go to waste (we've always eaten a few but not that many). We're going to make Cider! Ooh ah! I am a Cider drinker. Hopefully it'll be drinkable but I'll let you know how it goes. The kit is sat and ready to go but I reckon it's harder than it looks. Fingers crossed we'll have mulled cider by Christmas.

Doing your best in this moment puts you in the best place for the next moment.

Another tree

So we took that magnificent tree down and replace it was this tremendous specimen of a twig! Not even 3' tall but it is 2cm taller than it was when we planted it last week. Of course it will grow. I'm hoping it'll be 7' by Christmas - ha ha ha. Oh my. It's a bit sad and pathetic. However she has been blessed, and named Bert - yes she is a she and yes she's called Bert. But I will nurture her and watch her flourish, over the decades - if I live here that long!

My mum is 80 on Sunday - Happy Birthday Mum! Last year we were planning big things to celebrate. But slowly and surely covid has stepped and squashed the plans as they got smaller and smaller. Until, bam, there are no plans at all. I can't get down. My biggest sister can't get up. I'm sure she'll have a nice day with her middle daughter and her niece and nephew who are close. Stay 79 a wee bit longer and we'll have a lovely time next year - fingers crossed! And yes you're right, I don't look old enough to have a mum who's 80! Lol

Talking of birthday my gorgeous boy is 20 on Tuesday! Happy birthday son. And I know!! I definitely don't look old enough to have a son who's 20! 

So my grand-cat is staying for a week when my daughter is away. She is so cute and adorable. She'll come and sit and sleep on my lap for hours. This is more than I get from my two (one is zero cuddles and the other no more than about 20 minutes). But, as you may remember, she is the devil incarnate! I shall refresh your memories. She climbs the curtains, goes up the chimney, opens every door, inside or out, and never shuts them! She flies down the banister, using her claws, singing 'woohoo!'. She scares my dog too. This week I came home and she had turned on the tap in the downstairs bathroom. She likes to drink water directly from the tap you see. She picked the hot tap (silly Billy) and of course didn't turn it off. So she drained the whole tank of hot water! She's such a madam! 

I can't actually remember what my weight was last week but I've lost at least another pound, probably 2. Happy I'm going the right way for once! 

You have the power within you to rise above whatever it is that is bringing you down.

A tree

 

So, it was a sad day in the Wilson household (daughter still not speaking to us). We cut down the tree! When we moved into our house the tree (in the front garden) was about 7' tall. We put a few hundred Christmas lights on it that year and it was stunning (see photo at bottom). But trees have a habit of growing. We got more lights, and more lights but eventually the lights looked a little sparse. Hubby started to trim it every year to try to control the growth. It got to about 20' and his ladder is only 15'. He had very long lobbers but it was tricky. Getting the lights to the top of the tree was also very difficult - and funny. More than once hubby, attached to the ladder, fell into the tree! I laughed, a lot! So we (me) decided it had to go. I got the electric saw and took off the bottom 2 layers of branches. Hubby chopped down the tree (see other photo at bottom). Bingo. But know what? Hubby chainsawed the branches off the trunk. I used chainsaw for first time. I was very proud! I then pushed every single branch through a chipper! It filled about 30 coal bags which we donated to our neighbour (they were very helpful and provided lots of tea and biscuits - thank you George's mum and dad). Now there's a however here, as hubby was chainsawing branches off he found an empty nest.... Then a baby pigeon... Then another baby pigeon (see picture above). SSPCA came and took them. They'll be hand reared then set free. But mum keeps coming and is looking for them. Breaking my heart it is! So sorry Mrs pigeon! 

My cousin-in-law contacted me this week to invite me to join an online 5 day confidence challenge. It's run by a couple of Geordie life coaches and they do live events every night (and set homework lol). They are funny and entertaining but they make sense too. Obviously I can't tell you everything but I will share a few points that I really liked (heavily abridged) -

- be the CEO of your own life. Not just the admin person and definitely not the janitor (just opening up in the morning and switching the lights off at night).

- people think they lack motivation, but motivation is not the problem, it's your goal. What's your goal? If it's something that you really really want motivation will be there.

- don't be afraid of no. Don't be afraid to try because you are scared you'll fail.  Don't refrain from asking the question because you're worried the answer will be no, just think how many yeses you could be missing. And if you get a no, it's not personal. It's just that person is saying not this, not yet, not at this time. It's not because of you.

- don't let your own head (your monkey) get away with itself. It's just stuff you're making up and not even true eg I didn't get that job because I wasn't good enough, they didn't like me, I'm too fat! Are these facts? No

- how you feel is a choice. People will invite you to feel a certain way. They may poke and prod you but how you react to what they say or do is entirely up to you. It can be difficult but you can learn.

I've lost 3lb this week! I honestly think these sessions have helped me think about what I really want. It's exciting 

Comparison is the thief of joy.

The beach

 

I've been going to the beach a lot with Libby. She loves it. And I do too. She likes to retrieve her ball from the sea. And she'll put the ball on the sand then lay on it, under her back, and wriggle. I think she's scratching an itch, or having a ball massage rather like a hot stone massage lol. I like the sand between my toes and my feet in the cold cold water of the North sea. Makes me feel alive! It's a beautiful beach and only 10 minutes away from home. Libby knows when we head back to the dunes where the carpark is. She'll stand stock still and stare at me, telling me wholeheartedly that she doesn't want to leave. I keep going, so she follows. As much as she wants to stay she's not brave enough to stay by herself! We're so lucky to have the coast right next to us. Good for the soul. Then we go home and I have a coffee, warm my toes and prepare for the day. At this point my husband will tell you that that is my day - drinking coffee on the sofa watching TV! And of course he's right lol but only a little bit. I do clean, mow, shop, bake and cook. I also see friends and neighbours (not the Aussie soap) and try to embrace life. So pardon me lol.

I'm getting confused. This week on the morning TV shows we've had fat shaming and fat embracing. Apparently some university said talking about calories or exercises to reduce your weight is fat shaming! What a load of crock! It's doing my head in. Of course, I call myself fat, cos I is! And I have a handful of friends I talk fat (or skinny) candidly. But generally no one calls me fat (to my face lol) but I wouldn't mind if they did unless they added cow to it lol. Don't Molly coddle. And then Thursday morning Lorraine had a fat black woman who had written a book about celebrating her body. If she is absolutely delighted with her body then that's fabulous. I'd love that. But I seriously can't. I hate my fat! Have I been brainwashed? Over 50 years - yes, probably! Years of fat is bad and thin is good. Friends tell me I'm gorgeous, with my fat. But no matter what they think or say I can not see it myself. I appreciate little bits of me but the whole picture - not good! And then we move to health. Can fat people be healthy? Yes I think some fat people can be healthier than some thin people, absolutely. All the stuff on the inside. But all the evidence says if you are overweight or obese you are more at risk (by a lot) of all those conditions (you know them, not listing them again lol - if you don't know you should pay more attention!). Oh to eat chocolate and not worry....

The only people to see the whole picture are the ones that step out of the frame.

I'm a dreamer

 

So when I say I'm a dreamer I know most of you are agreeing - Gilly in her dream world. I'm not disagreeing, I like being in my head (most of the time), as I know everyone in there! But I'm actually talking about involuntary dreams when we sleep. I go to bed and I dream, two or three vivid dreams, every single night. They are long and weird stories and mostly very unsettling. Just recently all my dreams have been bad ones. I dreamt I was dying, I could feel my blood pressure lowering and I was drifting. I woke up before I 'died'. Another, I was being bullied in an airplane by all the other passengers. And the other night I dreamt of Santa (he was an ordinary guy) and he'd crashed his sleigh (this was a Boeing jumbo yet) and it was very stressful. My mum dreams a lot so I guess it's in my genes. It's exhausting. And before you ask, I don't eat cheese before bed!

I have managed to lose a pound this week, surprisingly. I've done two diet related activities this week...

Firstly, I needed some motivation so I googled 'Why should I lose weight?'. I got some interesting answers. The usual suspects, of course, to help prevent illnesses and conditions including cancers, heart disease, stroke, diabetes, arthritis (not thought of this one), high blood pressure and now we can add covid19. Then there is the other obvious one - to fit into smaller clothes. And to look better and more attractive, have more confidence with a better body image. But here's a few less thought of* ones. Lose weight and crave less sugar. Be kinder to your hips and knees. You might sleep better (especially if you have weight related snoring or apnea). You taste food properly (apparently). Have a better immune system. You'll also have a better chance of surviving surgery (we knew this but do we ever think of it? As a reason to lose weight? Not me). 

And secondly...

When I cut the grass or sit in the sun I like to listen to a pod cast. I found a new one - Stuff You Should Know (it's American) and very diverse - polygamy, carrots and eyes, escaping Alcatraz, panic attacks. The one yesterday was 'How anti dieting works'. Super interesting and all about loving your body as it is, conscious eating, listening to your body and what it needs, eat when hungry and stop when full, and don't feel guilty about having a biscuit or crisps. They suggested that dieting makes you fat! Made sense, but I still feel I want to diet to lose all this excess 5 stones! 

There is SO MUCH info out there! Some contradicting, and not necessary right or wrong. I read it all and make up my own mind. If it says I can eat chocolate and lose weight I'll believe it! 

Life doesn't get easier, you get stronger.

* Not me, just what I've read. 

https://www.precisionnutrition.com/reasons-to-lose-weight

Everyone loves a bargain

 

I decided that since face masks were staying I'd see if I could find a silk one. Amazon, of course, came to the rescue. Each purchase also donated a meal to a child in the UK and in India. It's breathable material and soft, silky and a little bit lush. Although it's also a little bit warm. Might be handier in the winter - which is coming fast! 

I am such a slag for a bargain. The other day I only needed milk and kitchen roll. Morrisons had an offer for a 3 pack for £3! A bargain as a 2 pack was £3.50 (a little bit crazy). And I also had an extra points voucher on the app for farmers milk. So I went to Morrisons (taking the chance that I wouldn't buy anything else that I might happen to see - which is something I always do, annoyingly). So it is only an extra couple of miles but of course they had none of the kitchen roll or the right milk! What a waste of time - but I had to go that little bit further just to save a few pennies. But I did resist buying anything else (after my mate bet me I couldn't lol). Talking of being a sucker for a bargain I can think of at least 6 clothing items that I've purchased in a sale never to have worn... (Because they were bought in a size smaller than I am, d'oh)... Yet! 

Hubby took me to a nice hotel for the night (or rather I took him, well I dragged him). Things post covid are a little different. Obviously we all know about face masks and hand sanitizer but there's more. Paper cups and plastic cups in the room for your tea/coffee and water. No throws, cushions or other nice soft furnishings. Some furniture removed. Sit down breakfast - served with everything - juice, fruit, cereal, pastries etc as well as the cooked stuff as usual. No help yourself at all. It was fine though. Staff very busy serving of course. Dinner was good (risotto) - half price under the government scheme plus free prosecco and dessert (lemon tart for me). Nice time but just not the same as what we're used to. 

This was my second meal out. Had another half pricer on Monday with friends (garlic mushrooms on ciabatta then chicken fillets with chips). It's no wonder I'm struggling to get back into the diet! However I am not giving up and I will get back soon. I will! I keep trying, but eating is such fun. Much more fun that dieting! 

There is no planet b.

Diet disasters

 

So that's me with my sister's. I'm in the middle lol.

Well what a diet nightmare week! 

Firstly, I had a mental binge day. I just couldn't stop eating. I wasn't hungry and I wasn't bored. I was maybe feeling a bit low and I'm pretty sure I was trying to fill a big gaping hole. Obviously, food wasn't the way to go but I was blinded to it at the time.

Secondly, I then convinced myself I had diabetes. I thought my wee was smelling a bit sweet. One Google search later and I had diabetes. I asked my sister (a diabetes nurse) and the pharmacy for a wee stick to check my glucose levels. Though by the next morning I decided I had just imagined it all. And I certainly had no other symptoms. The worst thing is that even though one day I was really nervous that I had developed diabetes, the next day I ate my body weight in chocolate! I am utterly hopeless!

Thirdly, my phone brought up a 'on this day in 2012' photo. We'd gone to Ben Nevis and the pic was of me walking up a little bit of the mountain. Looking chubby and hot and worn out. Not a good look. I asked hubby if that's the way I look now. He said no, you're fatter now! Oh bloody great news! 

My dog is a diva! It was a lovely evening so we took a bottle of wine to share with next door in their garden. Libby came too, to see George. Everything George had, Libby wanted! If any of us made a fuss of George and gave him a pet, Libby would put her head between George and human and squeeze herself into the middle. Also George likes to steal things from the house and parade around the garden. This night it was a dustpan. Libby took it from him and she paraded around the garden instead. George got a huge lump of wood for the chimnea. Libby took it from him even though her little jaw could barely accommodate the log. Then she actually took a ball out of George's mouth!! So embarrassing. George is so laid back he's horizontal, which is just as well as Libby just helps herself! (It is quite funny to watch though).

Anyway I am really struggling to get back to plan, but I'm not giving up. Never will I surrender! Hopefully I'll have more encouraging news next week 😂

The reason people don't become what they want to be is because they are too attached to who they are.

Always involves food

 

So I weighed myself on my return from Newcastle. And yes I had gained but only 2lbs which is nothing compared to what I was dreading. 

How come when I was away, all my interactions with family and friends involved food? I've decided to share my week of food with you -

Monday, out with my mum and aunt (their first visit to a social space since March). Early dinner of prawn cocktail, seabass with roasted vegetables (epic) then, for me, I wanted a proper substantial pudding, so jam Roly poly with custard! Perfect for a summers day lol. And with the government scheme this 3 courser was £8.

Tuesday, sister and family. Indian takeaway. I didn't actually eat that much but took the left overs to my mum's for later. Later never happened though because I just continued to eat.

Wednesday, school friend. We went out for traditional afternoon tea. This was immense so I must clarify what I ate, and what I took in a doggy bag. Sandwiches - 2x salmon, 2x cheese savoury, 2x tuna, 2x coronation egg (I ate 3 sandwiches), cheese scone with cheese and grapes (I ate cheese and grapes), fruit scone work clotted cream and jam (no resisted this), brownie (ate this), rhubarb cheesecake (yep), toffee muffin (nope), hallumi with dip (yep), sausage roll thing (nope), mini bottle of strawberry milkshake (yum), cookie (yes), glass of prosecco (of course). Phew! That's a big tea.

Thursday with oldest friend (not oldest as age, oldest as in how long we've known each other), this was fine except for the absolutely delicious white chocolate and raspberry Ice cream lolly (that I took lol).

Thursday pm with mum and aunts, good old fish & chips. Lovely

Friday with dad and his wife, a strawberry and cream pastry - naughty, but nice.

Friday pm with old work mate. Lemon drizzle cake (this was just scrummy and the only thing that I would have eaten anyway no matter where I was lol).

So that was my week in food. You now appreciate that 2lb gain was acceptable? Since I got home I have tried to rein it in but I am struggling. I've watched the first episode of Michael Mosley's Lose a stone in 21 days. This is the plan that I've been doing. 800 calories is tricky, but I figure if I fail at 800 calories by going over a bit I'm still well under the 2000 calories recommended for girls! I have been reminded that this is for my health. I've added covid 19 to my list of horribleness I want to avoid by losing weight. We all have our own personal reasons, just keep trying everyone. I am.

Isn't it funny how life can suddenly shift. We all just get on with our lives from one day to the next. Sleeping, working, seeing friends, eating for months or years, not really thinking about it just doing it anyway. Then one day we wake up and Wham, things change. Dismissal, redundancy, divorce, bereavement, illness and life is suddenly very different. These events can be solo or shared with one or two people. They make you sit up and take notice. We think about life more. What we want, what we can or can't do, what we need? Covid has hit us all like this don't you think? We've all sat up and re-evaluated. Except this is something that we've actually shared with the whole wide world. The world will be sitting up and taking stock. Don't let this opportunity to think about your life and make the changes you want or need to do. For if you can't do it now, when will you? 

The mind replays what the heart can't delete.

This week

For the last few weeks my weight has been stable, although not losing, but this week I just feel like it's ran away with me. I'm staying with my mum so I can't weigh myself, and I haven't for quite a few days. I'll obviously find out once I'm home, but I have to say I'm nervous and sad.

In an attempt to prevent me having to write the above my sister took me out for a good walk. It was a lovely evening and we walked over 3 miles in about an hour. My dog loved it! It was a very pleasant step out, but the following day I buggered my toe (see pic) when it clashed with the fridge door. Now I can't get proper footwear on so walking like that again isn't happening. So alas I suspect it all went wrong.

Weight is a personal issue. I'm sure everyone knows how I feel about mine. But as a nation I'm not alone when I say that I think fat is not nice. I don't judge others but I do believe that everyone would look and feel better not carrying the extra pounds. I don't think we should all be skinny but who really thinks fat is good? Now this is just me, possibly warped because of my own dislike of my own body. Maybe if I felt more content in my own skin I wouldn't be so opinionated? I know that there are folk out there that really believes big is beautiful, but I'm not one of them. It makes me unhappy and I'm not looking forward to bad news when I finally step on the scales again.

I need to get back to the drawing board. Why is this so bloody hard? I'm walking through treacle. The government 50% off scheme isn't exactly helping? Who doesn't enjoy food more when it's a bargain? I've been out for dinner, coffee and afternoon tea - and this is just week one! Holy Moly, give me strength! 

Make peace with your past so it won't mess up the present.

Party

So there is a rumour going around that I'm a little bit bat crazy. Well, I'm hoping this will put your mind at ease - that I certainly am. It was my lovely Libby's 6th birthday, and it was George's 6th birthday just a few days early. (George is my neighbours Spinone doggy). So of course I decided we should have a joint party. I made a doggy birthday cake, iced with pate - yummy, doggy biscuits and human cupcakes. We (that is the dogs) played pass the parcel. They were very underwhelmed and I did most of the unwrapping (yes, hard to believe). But they both loved the toys that were unwrapped at the end! We also played hide and seek the biscuit. Again, not so successful, I think they couldn't smell the biscuits too well. However, we all (dogs and humans alike) had a great day. Some of the humans even got a little drunk! My lips are sealed.

Thank you for all the messages about my blog. Seems you like it and look forward to it so who am I to think of stopping. In fact the only complaint was that it was sometimes a little short. I'll try to write a bit more but I don't want to bore you! 

Now I don't usually use this platform for complaining (do I?) But I've got a couple of bees in my bonnet which I need to share! Firstly, people not indicating when driving. What's going on? It's driving me crazy. Especially when their lack of indicating affects my journey. i.e. they don't tell me they are turning off when the are, and I could have pulled out! I'm not psychic.

Then secondly, littering. This seems to be the real pandemic at the moment. People who do this need to be shot. It's so rude. Who do they think picks up their rubbish? Keep Britain Tidy, you lazy louts. It's moronic. 

So as I'm sure you are aware the government starts an Eat In scheme on Monday throughout the whole of August. Go out, eat in (the restaurant/pub/bistro etc) and get food and soft drinks for half price (up to £10 off per person). This is a great idea and will encourage people to leave their homes and support the hospitality industry. And who doesn't love a bargain? Me! So this won't do my diet any good. But I must say I'm not devastated. I'll just try to be good on other days lol. So you can search on your postcode to see who is participating within 5 miles of your home. I did mine - I have 4 venues, I did my friends postcode (she lives nearer the town) she had 17! Then I did my mum, she's outside Newcastle. She had 73!! Now this doesn't mean that Scottish eateries are not participating because the majority of them are, it just means we genuinely don't have very many. 4 versus 73!! Crazy.

Have a lovely week. Go out for dinner (Monday - Wednesday) and we'll talk again next week.

Keep faith. Sometimes when you think of giving up, it suddenly becomes right.

Cheesecake

I was desperate to bake though I was fed up of cake. So after watching James Martin on This Morning I copied his raspberry and chocolate cheesecake. Rather than cream cheese it has mascarpone and creme fraiche. It was nice enough, though cheesecake is not a favourite (with the exception of my Bailey's Irish cream one!)

So I started at 15st 5lb. Got to 14st 7lb (12lb loss). Now since I've come off plan for a bit (a big bit) I've settled at 14st 10lb. Now this is good. The nutritionist told me that it's best to lose some weight, then maintain, then lose some more. Just going straight for my 5 stone loss isn't good and just means I'll probably put it all back on. My body will fight to get back to what it thinks is my normal. So you trick it, do it a step at a time, so I get a new 'normal'. Fingers crossed it works. I do need to remember to still weigh myself daily. It's so easy to slip.

I've found a new game for my phone. I'm not a big game player (a daily word game, occasional brain training game and the odd Tetris) but this one is addictive! I literally hate to put it down. Who knew? Ha ha. Anyway on Monday night, after a mammoth session, I couldn't sleep. So I googled! (I know, I know, still on my phone). I thought I'd share my nighttime Google with you -

Tortoises - did you know it's not illegal to buy one (I thought it was) but they must have been bred in captivity! They're about £100 and the kit is another £200-500. And whilst cute they are not that easy to look after.

Watermelon sugar - might have a rather rude meaning (new song by Harry Styles) but I think it's more likely just gobbledegook.

Ciabatta bread mix - I used to buy this a lot to make my favourite pizza, but it's completely out of stock, everywhere! It is available on a few unique websites but postage was stupid. If anyone sees it in the shops please let me know.

Shopping on Amazon - yes I bought something. Some bone shaped cookie cutters for my homemade doggy biscuits. They were £1.46 and this included p&p. And they were delivered on Wednesday! Crazy mad.

I'm not sure about the future for this blog. Now it's not posted on Facebook my reader numbers have dropped. Thank you for reading and sticking with me. Let me know if you want me to continue. I want to write if more than my mum and husband read it lol xx

Time heals almost everything. Give time a little time.

Next steps

So I'm getting back on plan, though I do have a couple off pounds I need to lose again, after having a few weeks off. I've had both my children home but they've left now. Hubby is back to work so hopefully it'll be easier to stick to my low calories. Onwards and upwards, again.

I was so chuffed to get a hair appointment yesterday, first day of Scottish opening. My hair has been dyed and cut and blow dried (see below). So very excited to have lovely hair again! And it's grown so long over lockdown. This blow dry will last me 2 weeks... No way I'm washing it sooner!

So the picture? This ring I saw in the jewelers in 2011 and I really liked it. Now we can't just go buying diamond rings when we fancy (unfortunately) so I needed a plan. Had I just asked hubby to buy it for me he would have replied with a sod and an off. I thought about going down the eternity ring route - last ring he'd ever have to buy me!? But in the end I negotiated that he buy me the ring and keep it, until I'm a size 12 and it would be a massive incentive to lose weight! He agreed, and it's been in his bedroom drawer ever since. But that's now 9 years and the ring as an incentive obviously hasn't worked! Still not a size 12. If a diamond ring hasn't helped in nearly a decade it's not going to. So I've stolen the ring, popped it on my finger, and is never going back. Hubby was shocked but relented. Daughter gutted, she thought she'd get a brand new ring as her inheritance lol. The ring is mine, I've waited a long time. I need to lose weight for the sake of it. Not because of health, rings, size 12 dresses or anything else. I just need to do it.

I have bloomed a thousand times in my life time because I let my dying petals fall off.

Nonsense

I don't actually know what I weigh today as I'm not at home, however I can safely predict that I've not lost weight again. I don't know what to tell you really. I've taken my foot off the gas and I've not been concentrating! 

So we've popped up to Inverness to see our son. It's like I've not been away. It felt like I'd not seen him for ages - well it has literally been months - but it's all forgotten now I'm here. 

Sometimes, like today, when I sit in front of my keyboard I have no clue what to write for my blog. Sometimes it's all planned, I have notes written and words just flow. Then I have a block. So to fill this block I'm going to talk nonsense.

The first boy I kissed was David Horne (David Horne a bag of corn, a belly full of fat, when he dies shoot his eyes, and what do you think of that? - he wrote this not me lol) when I was 4 years old. He pushed me into a bush of nettles in the playground. I was very stung! But I forgave him. 

I fell in love with my husband when he hopped over a wall! He just put his hands on the wall and his legs just kind of jumped over! I was hooked from that moment! 24 years later he can and would do it still. He once climbed out of our bedroom window (yes on the first floor not ground floor) in the middle of the night (about 2am) in a storm, to fix a rattling tile on the roof! He was just wearing his jeans (bare chest and bare feet) as we had been asleep (well I was, he obviously wasn't lol). I was furious but secretly impressed. It takes a lot more to impress me now though! 

The first proper book I read was The Snow Goose by Paul Gallico. I think I was about 8 years old. It was so good but so sad and I cried and cried when it ended. I've re-read it a couple of times and it still makes me cry! 

My first job was working for The Royal Bank of Scotland. I once answered the phone and mistakenly said 'Good morning, royal pie'! I have no idea where that came from but it really made me laugh! 

I hope my nonsense has entertained you somewhat. I'll do better next week.

Practice like you've never won. Perform like you've never lost.

Differences part II

So, alas, there has been no weight loss this week. My own fault. Started with an Indian takeaway, that lasted for 3 meals! Delicious. More chocolate than usual - I'm blaming PMT. Drinking too much (see below). 

Whoop! Finished the bathroom. I probably could have done it in a couple of days but it was much more fun stretching it over about 5 weeks! But I'm happy it's finished and I'm happy with result. And, of course, I'm loving having a bath again! 

Lockdown differences continued...

9. I saw my mum just before lockdown started and before I left I showed her how to video call on what's app. I have since spoken to her via video every single day. So that's about 105 calls. This is twice as many telephone calls we would normally exchange in a whole year! The funny thing is we have nothing new to say each day. We mostly talk about the weather, grocery shopping and daily exercise! It's groundhog day lol.

10. In spite of losing weight I'm drinking more. And not just a glass of wine (which is often a bottle) or a g&t. Wednesday night out was Sloe Gin Fizz - sloe gin, gin, sugar syrup, lemon juice, soda water or prosecco (obvs we picked prosecco). It was delicious but very alcoholic. Then Thursday night it was White Russians - vodka, kahlua/Tia Maria, double cream. This is so good but not only very alcoholic it's full of calories. Sometimes I'm just so naughty! 

11. Watching box sets. I normally just watch stuff on the telly but there's been a lot of repeats on recently so I've been on the downloads. The best I've seen - Staged with David Tennant and Michael Sheen on iPlayer. Only 15 mins x6 but so so funny! Filmed in their own homes with their wives. Also on iPlayer is all 4 series of Cardinal. This is a Canadian murder/cop drama. I binged all 4 series in less than a week. Brilliant!! Loved it. And if you have Amazon Prime try Upload. Dead people are sent to a virtual reality to live like they are still alive. It's weird but good, and clever.

12. Hair. I've cut my fringe a few times, which was ok but dying the grey is something else. I have too much hair to colour it all so I just do the roots, but they always end up a different colour to the rest. I'm multi tonal lol.

13. Cleaning. Say no more.

Things that are the same during lockdown -

Grass still grows, dog needs walking, bills still need paying, PMT giving me cramps and making me grumpy, we still love and lose, we still smile and cry, and we still don't win the lottery! 

The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.

Lockdown differences

I've lost 1lb this week. I'm happy with that. My total is now 12lbs. That first stone is looming.

So the other day I made a coffee to drink in the sun. I put it down on the grass whilst I got the cushion for the swing seat. I sat down to drink my coffee when I noticed a weird lump in my drink. It didn't seem right so I just threw the whole thing onto the grass. And that (see pic) is what came out of my mug. A bloody frog! Dead as dead can be! I've no idea how it got in. Did it jump then drown (can frogs drown?), did it boil (coffee wasn't that hot), or did it die in the cushion and fall out when I put it on the swing seat?? I've no idea, I don't care. I drank out of that mug with a dead frog swimming about. Yuk yuk yuk! 🤢

The things that I've noticed are different in lockdown -

1. I'm lying in. I'm not normally very good at this skill but I'm sleeping longer and longer, sometimes until 9am or more. This is epic for me.

2. I've more time to look after myself. Moisturising, exfoliating, epilating, sunbathing, face masking, eye creaming.

3. I can't get a bikini wax. My lady garden is desperate for a jolly good weeding, cut back and trim.

4. I'm not wearing a bra. Well I am sometimes, obviously! My boobs are not as they were when I was 20! But more and more I'm leaving it in the drawer. So comfy without it. Liberating and very 1960s.

5. As my bathroom is out of action, being very slowly decorated, I'm showering in the evening instead of having a bath. And I like it. Sometimes the evening and shower is as early as 2pm but that's ok. And then I put on my silk nightie and cashmere cardigan, and feel lush! 

6. I'm forgetting how to hug. This is a biggy for me as I'm a proper hugger. It's so weird not seeing people and so strange not to hug them when I do! 

7. I'm shopping is Asda. This is mostly because they have self scan which is super great and easy and quick. Tesco also has self scan but my nearest store is 17 miles away. Morrisons is local but more chaotic. Sainsbury's is 35 miles away. So Asda it is, and it's okay! I even know my way round lol.

8. I'm grocery shopping for sometimes 4 households. This needs more skill than you can imagine. And I'm getting pretty good at it, even if I do say so myself! 

The mind replays what the heart can't delete.

Difficult

I've had a very tough week, for one reason or another. But I've had amazing support from friends and family, and lots of lovely messages - thank you to you all! I'm so incredibly lucky to have you xx

I've lost 2lb this week! I love crossing the numbers off my chart. I'm so sorry you have to turn you head to look at it, but I don't know how to rotate it! That's a total of 11lb. 5% of my body weight and almost my first stone.

I have tried to keep busy. Very busy drinking tea and eating toast lol. But seriously, I have started painting my bathroom. Who knew it was so exhausting? I must be so unfit. I was sweating so profusely, it was dripping into the paint! I was worried it would water it down. I'm not stretching myself too much. It's only taken me 3 weeks so far. Well, I don't want to over do it. Plenty more weeks waiting for me.

I have noticed some unexpected benefits of lock down. I've had time to audit my underwear. The ratios of bras to knickers isn't good. I have one white bra and 16 white pairs of knickers. Obviously this is wrong. I have a lovely navy and pink bra with no matching pants. Have I lost them, is that even a thing? How do you lose a pair of knickers? So what do I do? Bin the bra or wear odd pants? This is heinous. Odd underwear should be illegal, but until it is I shall continue to wear white knickers with pink and navy bras! (Although I feel I must confess - often there is no bra worn at all. Like in the sixties, solves the problem, I can wear white knickers without the guilt 😂😂)

So I have written a poem. 3am not sleeping, and the words just come. I do hope you like it.

I'll never see your smile

Or your happy face

Now that you have left

Never to be replaced

Not known you for that long

But it feels like forever

It's hard to take in

I shall not see you, ever

We swapped a lot of jokes

And the stories of our life

That it's now all gone

It cuts me like a knife

You were so very kind

I'll keep your words in a jar

For you always said

You are lovely just as you are

I'll miss what we have shared

And things not yet spoken

To leave the party early

My heart forever broken

I hope you are happy

Wherever that you are

And I need you to know

That I will always care

Don't tell someone to get over it, help them to get through it.

Sadness

My friend died this week, and my heart is devastated. I spoke to him on Friday and he died on Sunday and I'm in such shock. As yet I don't know what happened but I trust he's in peace.  He bought me this set of champagne coupés for my birthday last year. I love them but now I shall treasure them all the more. Of course we mourn for the person who has died but ultimately it's the family and friends left behind who we are really sad for. He read this blog every week and often called me to discuss. He's on the what's app group and I need to remove him but I can't. Regardless of whether I had lost weight or not be always told me that I was lovely just the way I am. 💕

It has made me reflect on heartbreak. The heart feels the pain and can't differentiate from the cause. When a boy dumped me my heart broke. My 17 year old self loved him (as you do as a teenager) and I thought I'd never recover, but you do. I had no control of it and just had to get on with my life, eventually forgetting the pain and the boy pretty much. A few years later it was me doing the dumping and yet it still hurt. My fixed heart was broken again. Somehow this was harder because it was my doing and I daresay I could have changed my mind. But although I was sad it was something I had to do because his behaviour made me sad too. 

Unfortunately you can't live a life without being touched by death. My grandparents, some years ago, but they lived to be old and my friend was only 44 years old. Not that it makes a difference really, but somehow it does a little. And of course people mourn all sorts of things not just people, and pets, but jobs and houses and I suppose anything that you have loved and lost.

I hope you are all well and I've not depressed you too much this week. Thank you for reading. Take care and stay safe xxx

The song has ended but the melody plays on.

Another week locked down

I've lost another pound. That's now 9lbs. More than 10% of my target loss. It's working, only just, but it's working.

Now this is what happens when you read the newspaper whilst sunbathing! It didn't even wash off very easily! 

So this week I enrolled (free trial) to The Great Courses Plus. I saw one about writing that I thought would be interesting. On Thursday I logged on to start it, but instead I got side tracked with a different course - Body composition through diet and exercise! It's so good. Time just flies. Lots of info about fat and muscle. I've only watched 2 chapters (there is 24) but it's fascinating. I think I kinda knew the stuff anyway but he explains it all properly. Can't wait to get to the diet and exercise bits. I'll keep you posted on anything I learn.

I need to confess. On the first day that we were allowed to meet other people, outside but social distant, we popped to our neighbours, with wine, to sit in the sun in their garden. I got drunk! Yes, ashamed but also lost a pound as I missed my supper! I was in bed by 5pm. I don't remember going to bed, or falling out, or talking to my mum on the phone! But luckily it's not a frequent event so feel no need to apologise. Good fun was had, so I've been told.

For some people you are 'too much' and others 'not enough', but for those that deserve you you are just right.

Thank heavens for sunshine

By Tuesday I had lost a pound. But then it was my birthday on Wednesday.. Say no more! 

When I realised a few weeks ago that I'd be under lockdown for my birthday I was pragmatic and thought the day would be dull and pass mostly unnoticed. How very wrong I was. I had such a lovely day. Bucks Fizz in bed, social distanced cuppa in the garden, in the sun, with a missed pal. Meeting on the shared driveway with my neighbours for birthday cake and Pimm's. My favourite homemade pizza for supper with champagne. A zoom birthday quiz with my kids and hubby's family (my team won). And then a couple of White Russians as a night cap. I received cards and gifts and so many birthday messages I felt blessed and loved. 

I think we've all been counting our blessings these last few weeks and appreciating the small things. Here's my favourite small things - 

• The sun shining and the lovely warm weather we've been having just recently (even in the NE of Scotland)
• My garden swing seat. It was a bargain a few years ago and I love it.
• A hot bubble bath. With or without candles/prosecco/book/TV. So relaxing and peaceful.
• My silk nighties. I have a couple and I usual wear them with my cashmere or merino wool cardigans, or the gorgeous shawl my daughter gave me for Christmas. I've mentioned this before, and swanning around like a princess. I don't feel like a princess anymore because I wear them everyday, after a bath or shower, sometimes as early as 3pm. But I love them. They make me feel special and sexy and just decadent.
• Oranges. Out of the fridge - cold and juicy. Simply bliss!
• Podcasts. My current favourite one is Off Menu. Yes of course it's about food! But it's entertaining when I'm sunbathing or cutting the grass or relaxing. It's funny, though like everything some are better than others.
• I'm tempted to put Fry's Chocolate creams but then I feel I'm not giving proper attention to Smarties or crunchies or toffee crisps etc. So let's just settle on chocolate. Thank you chocolate for being there for me at times of trouble.

Now these are only small things. There are also big things that I've not mentioned, like the health of my family, my pets and friends, and my hubby still having a job. Just think about your own small things. Might make you feel better xx

Tears are words that can't be spoken.

Cheers!

Getting to me

I love Fry's chocolate creams - I love the green ones, I love the blue ones, I love the orange ones! And then I saw the pink and red ones out shopping the other day. Well obviously I had to buy to try. (They're nice but not a patch on the aforementioned ones).

I've lost the second half of last week's pound plus another pound. So that's now 7 squares ticked off my chart. Half a stone in 7 weeks. Slow, very slow, but steady. Yay

What a week I've had. The scales just refused to budge. I was getting very disenchanted. On Tuesday I had a mega strop and just decided to eat! It wasn't a total binge but I had a chocolate bar and wine and cake with double cream! Next morning I was a pound up but I got straight back to business and today I'm happy enough!

Lockdown must be getting to me as this week I've been gardening! The only type of gardening I've done before is watching my hubby doing it as I sit and sunbathe. I mean I do mow the grass but that's my total limit. But this week I've been (drum roll) raking moss. We have got an electric raker which was fun but I actually enjoyed the manual one. It was very satisfying and much more physical which is a bonus. The weather was warm, not windy and not very sunny so it was perfect to be gardening rather than sunbathing! Bingo. Don't expect this every week though. I don't think it'll become a thing!

And you know what? I've done no baking this week at all. Obviously too busy gardening!

If you don't build your dreams someone will hire you to help build theirs.

Another week in lockdown

I've lost half a pound but I'm not counting it as I can only tick off full pounds from my chart. But I am now in the 14 stones rather than the 15s so that's good!

This week on lockdown I've made lemonade, cashew nut milk, shortbread, chocolate cake and doggy cupcakes! Of course the problem with this baking is the eating that follows. So far I've resisted the doggy cupcakes lol, Libby and her boyfriend (a spinone called George next door) have shared them. The lemonade is diet friendly anyway and I've only had a wee bit of cake (I mean you just have to test it before you let others) and a couple of wafer thin shortbreads. But I am a bit worried about the nut milk. Shop bought milks are low in calories but I'm not sure about my homemade version. Quite a few cashew nuts went into it!

I received a couple of nice messages this week. My sister congratulated me on my steady loss. And when I complained about the time it's going to take me to hit target she reminded me that 18 months will fly by, and that I've been writing this blog - and not getting anywhere near my target weight - for 4 years! That did put the time scale into perspective and I was suddenly much happier with the situation. The second message was from my brother in law. Whilst he is happy for me that I'm losing weight he wanted to ensure that my character won't change because he 'loves me the way I am'. So I felt twice as happy.

Now, what I'm about to say might not be popular, but it's my opinion. I don't think anyone suits fat. Some carry it off better and often believe they are happy fat but I think most people are kidding themselves. For example, Dawn French - looks great but looks better when she's lost some weight. Adele, who always said she had no intention of dieting looks amazing now! Have you seen the pictures? Proper slim! Well done Adele! It is also my opinion that being too thin isn't attractive either. Simon Cowell - he's done brilliantly but now he just looks like a lollipop, his head is huge compared with his body! Lots of stars on TV or movies are too skinny and it's not a nice look! Eat a bloody doughnut!!

Never give up on a dream because of the time it will take to accomplish it, time will pass anyway.

Serious research

Warning! Contains swearing from the off set!

Another week, another pound. 5 weeks, 5 pounds. Just 70 more of the fuckers to go! Not too shabby! I wish.

So I've been undertaking some important research on your behalf this week. You can thank me later. Look left! And yes, I tried all 4! My findings -
White - I'm not a lover of white chocolate but the button was the biggest, always a bonus.
Milk - this was the original button. Cadbury milk chocolate is always a winner! Though it was the smallest button and a little too sweet for me.
Dark - some strange people don't like dark chocolate!! Weirdos. I love it and in a button it is so good!
Darkmilk - if you haven't tried these buttons you really must! What can I tell you? The perfect solution and it is sublime.

So my free trial with Davina ended. As predicted I signed up as I really like the site. The exercises are varied - dance, boxing, Pilates, yoga, HIIT, toning etc. Workouts for beginners, intermediates, advanced. Recipes, info sheets. And as a bonus I could get it half price for a year. Hubby has even started to join me. This is kind of good because he encourages me and as he wants to do it first thing I get it over and done with! Yay. But he has no coordination at all! It's so funny watching him, basically just making it up, I end up just laughing at him! Which is a wee bit off putting! The weather has been lovely so I've managed to exercise in the garden which is really nice. Yesterday was so sunny and warm - and believe it or not the forecast is for snow on Sunday morning! Crazy

I've been baking again. Brownies - amazing (not my words, honest) and Vicky sponge with jam and cream. I have partaken but only a taste! What else are we supposed to do during lockdown?? I keep thinking I've had enough and I want it all over! Though truth be told I really must wish it had never happened at all!

Take care and stay safe everyone xxx

If at first you don't succeed do it like your wife told you!

Dangerous topless-ness

I've lost another pound. Very happy of course but like most slimmers I want it off quicker! I know they say doing it slowly means you have more chance of keeping it off long term but I'd still rather lose more! 2lbs, come on, that's doable surely.

So I've discovered that sunbathing topless is dangerous. I don't mean, surprisingly, cars crashing as men ogle me, because no one sees me except my hubby and he doesn't bat an eyelid. I'll ask him if I have nice boobs and he'll reply 'aye, lovely. Do you know were my wrench is?'. If I push I maybe get something like 'they're fine, not too big and not too small - though if they were bigger they'd disguise your belly a bit!' Anyway, going back to topless sunbathing. I burnt a boob. And not sunburnt. I was getting something out of the oven and I caught it on the pan. Ouch! My right breast has a nasty burn now. Not pretty!

Yesterday was my wedding anniversary. 21 years. I decided we'd have a night away - to the spare room! It was cool. We had a lovely day, eating and drinking, walking the dog, watching TV and just being lazy. Ok, so not much different from everyday this last few weeks, but come on!? It was difficult under these current circumstances. The important bit is that I didn't cook and we had a bottle of fancy champagne that I was given for my 50th last year! Very nice. And the place we went to had a gym (the living room) so we got some exercise and a pool (we shared a bath) and a health spa (we massaged each other). They even put rose petals on the bed and candles in the room (that was me not him silly). Perfect!

I pulled my back at the weekend. Just the smallest manoeuvre did it! But very sore and I struggled for a few days. Exercise was not possible but I kept my eating healthy so I am happy with my loss. I'll keep at it and hopefully I'll surprise everyone with a 2lb drop next week! Whoop whoop!

There will always be a struggle in a relationship, the trick is picking the right person to struggle with.