Another year

Please meet Einstein the Elf

I must firstly tell you that I had a really lovely Christmas. With my husband and both kids home what more could I want? We all received amazing gifts and ate and drank in front of the fire. Drank?? Well.... Yes, a little. My daughter googled Google until she found a website that indicated a little alcohol drank with concussion wouldn't kill me. Bonus!

My concussion is still here. I tried to shave my legs in the shower on Christmas morning - bad idea! Woozy understatement! I ended up sitting down in the tray to do it. Uncomfortable and with a cold bum! By Wednesday I thought I was feeling better.... By Thursday I'd decided I wasn't! It's getting on my nerves now! I am not amused.

On Christmas Eve I found a lump in my armpit. Hard, the size of a pea, not painful. I kept thinking it was probably harmless but a tiny bit of me was worried. Anyway doctor saw me promptly on Wednesday and put my mind at ease. She's happy it's benign.

With 2018 fast approaching this is the time we reflect on the past year - at least I usually do. Not this year. No more looking behind me, that can't be helpful to anyone. I guess mistakes made can be analysed (to prevent a recurrence) and then stapled, filed under S and locked away. We are also supposed to look forward and make resolutions! Nope nada no. My annual 'I will lose weight', 'I will go to the gym' and 'I will become the best version of me - slim and fit and funny and gorgeous and tidy and thorough and healthy...' hasn't made a jot of difference in the past God knows how many years! In 2018 I'll look at each day as it comes. No promises. No commitments. No contract. Just me, thankful for each day I wake up. My family and my friends and my pets and my colleagues. This is me (like me or lump me) and this is my blog (read me or don't). I'll be here with my weekly views on my fat bum and I hope you'll join me. Wishing you all a fantastic New Year - whatever your plans or wishes or wants. I hope 2018 is your year!!

You can't go back to make a brand new start but from now you can start and make a brand new ending!

PS ignore the utter shit above - I will be desperately trying to lose weight and get fit and healthy - if it kills me!

What a week!

So my week? Well the picture is a clue... Can you guess?

Firstly... It snowed!
Secondly.... It froze.
Thirdly...I slipped

So 8am Sunday morning I slipped on the ice rink that was my road. I actually saw stars and my teeth displaced! I lay on the cold ground for ages before I realised I had to get up. I was confused and couldn't remember where my daughter's bedroom was. I found her lol. A quick trip to A&E for a check. I was fine but had concussion. Have you ever had concussion? It's weird as F*@#. My head is thick and woozy. For the first few days it felt so heavy I thought it would roll off my shoulders! And even now, when I go to bed, I have to lie as still as I can. If I move my head when I'm in bed the room spins. It's like being drunk without all the good bits. Not fun. And then... Hold on to your seats...I'm not allowed to drink alcohol!!! Like really?! It's just a few days to Christmas. I'm gutted! I'm no alcoholic honest, but Christmas without a bucks fizz for breakfast, a glass of bubbly before dinner, wine at dinner, liqueur after dinner, Irish coffee, Christmas cocktail, Bailey's.....

My daughter slipped on the ice the week before. She fractured her coccyx!! That's why she's home at the moment - I'm supposed to be looking after her lol. She's in agony and has to sit on a maternity ring. Sometimes she's on all fours watching TV. She hobbles like an old lady. No, it's not funny! She has so many different pain killers she's rattling. BUT SHE CAN DRINK WITH THEM ALL!!!! (And it's a little bit funny that she's sitting on a rubber ring!)

I would like to wish you all a very merry Christmas. Eat drink and party. Be nice to each other and have a drink for me.

Why was the snowman looking in the veg drawer? He was picking his nose!

Spot the difference

WARNING: IF YOU ARE SENSITIVE DO NOT READ THE JOKE AT THE BOTTOM (IT'S A TEENY BIT RUDE)

What do you notice? That I look a bit like a snowman? Ha ha ha

So this week I put my Christmas album onto repeat! So every day it's been playing, round and round on a loop! It's been great and I'm not even sick of it yet.

I've decided I'm not fat I'm just in the wrong profession (and no! I don't mean sumo wrestler). I should be a celebrity (I can see some of you nodding - you know I'm a drama queen).! Could you imagine? Losing loads of weight on I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here? Rice and beans and voila. Then a stint on Strictly Come Dancing. All that exercise! Burning calories and toning up. And then this year a bonus one - Dancing on Ice! Awesome lol. Being cold and pirouettes! Your metabolism would be in over drive - win win!

I'm managing to keep things in check. Not too many Roses or mince pies. My weight is steady with only one more Christmas do to go! So looking forward to the New Year! A new year has so many possibilities. You can fail on so many resolutions - losing weight, stop eating sugar, being nice to your spouse! The list is endless. Don't you just love it?

 Why is Santa's sack so full? He only comes once a year!

I'm not prepared

So, I'm not prepared... In all senses. Firstly I'm not prepared for this blog. No idea what I'm writing so it'll be gobbledegook this week (you probably won't even notice). I'm not prepared for Christmas, only 2 weeks away so I'll just wing it! And I'm not prepared for weight gain (as I've no weight loss to compensate).

It suddenly occurred to me the other day that I hadn't stepped on the scales in ages! Now this is dangerous, so very dangerous. This is how you put on a stone without noticing! This is how I put on 5 stones without noticing (ha ha that's a big fat lie obviously, imagine me not noticing a huge 5 stones?! - it was 6 stones). So the other day I braced myself and took a deep breath and.... Drum roll please.....I weighed exactly the same as when I last looked! Phew! So happy. (You may have guessed that deep down I was hoping for a miraculous weight loss - ha ha imagine that. Losing weight without even trying?! I think that's called diabetes). Anyway good news really.

So last month I didn't fast forward my Christmas CD when it came on in the car. This week I actually fast forwarded all the others (Ed Sheeran, Crowded House, Pete Tong - my eclectic taste) to select the Christmas CD! Singing all the way to work! IT'S CHRISTMAS!! Thank you Noddy!

Whoever is trying to bring you down is already below you.

Damage limitation

Can you believe it? This is my last booked holiday? No more until my next holiday year starts in April! And nothing booked so no plans to go away. Well.... Obviously I have plans, in my head, but nothing confirmed shall we say. So we've had a few days in a forest wooden lodge. Awesome. Hot tub, wood burner, fairy lights. Lots of walks with my hubby and dog. She has loved all the swimming. In the loch, rivers and streams! It must be bloody freezing but in she always goes!!

So it's like 3 weeks to Christmas? The season of stuffing ones face. My plan is to enjoy myself without it being mental. Have 4 Quality Street instead of ten. Just one bottle of prosecco instead of 2! You get my drift? I can't lose weight before the big day (that's just silly talk) but I will enjoy myself and not fret. Worrying is such a waste of time and doesn't even burn off many calories - so why bother? However.... Come the new year... I'll be on it like a car bonnet! I know you've all heard that before! And no, nothing is different this time, but I can't stop trying!! It's the only thing stopping me from falling into an obese stupor! A chocolate coma in a size 50! (Does size 50 exist?). I will continue on my mission and just maybe this time next year I'll have dropped my stone!!? Just the one mind! Ha ha ha

I'm on a new diet. You eat everything and hope for a miracle!

A plan

So Santa is fat and he never gets any stick! In fact he's better the fatter he is. Could you imagine a skinny Santa? Just wouldn't be right would it? He just eats cookies and mince pies and if he has high blood pressure or diabetes it doesn't show! And he's been alive for years and years. Of course he only works one day a year - maybe that's his secret? Hummm... Wonder if my boss would go for that?!

I've actually found something seemingly delicious that I don't like. Bailey's thick cream! Who'd have thought it? I love cream and I love Bailey's, so WTF? Weird. But do not despair I've not given up. Still having some on my warm mince pies and it's growing on me. I never give up easily. Maybe it's not so bad.

I've been thinking. There is something fundamentally wrong with me that I can't seem to lose weight. And I admit part of me wonders why I should. I know it's not so healthy but then that means nothing. I just found out this week that Nicki Waterman died (months and months ago). She was a fitness trainer to the rich and famous. She was pretty and slim and fit and healthy and she still died. Shouldn't we all concentrate on being happy? I do think I'd be happier skinny but unhappy trying to get there. So I have a new plan! Forget the 5 stones I need to lose. One stone! I just want to lose one stone (and be a size 16). I think I can do a stone and I think it'll make me happy. But that's it. Just one stone. I truly am forgetting the rest. I'm not planning anything before Christmas - just won't happen. Christmas parties/chocolate/prosecco/ festivities! I promised my daughter I'd be a size 14 by Christmas but ain't going to happen! Whatever she's bought won't fit! Oops! Don't tell her... I'll surprise her on Christmas morning. T'dar! Still fat!!!

Remember you are what you eat. Try eating a skinny person!

PS if I lose a stone I reserve the right to change my mind and lose another stone 😉

Santa is coming

How do you know Christmas is coming? There are Easter eggs in the supermarkets.

Anyway, look, I have my first Christmas chocolates. The picture is a bit blurry because I was shaking with excitement. They will go away now until we put the decorations up. We always have chocolates out to help with the arduous but festive task! Don't worry, I will be buying more. That's just the first tub.

Talking of chocolates. There was a box of chocolates at work. Now I understand that everyone made a very conscientious effort to eat them all... But they failed. With only about half a dozen left they were put on my desk. By the time someone realised and picked them up before I could eat them, it was too late. The deed was done. But hey, you got to be fast when it comes to me and chocolate!

Let's get back to Christmas. I have a Christmas album on my memory card along with all my other favourite albums that I listen to in the car. I spend all year fast forwarding this Christmas album! In fact me and the kids play Christmas song roulette on long journeys. We put my car music system (car stereo to me) on shuffle and then the first person to notice when a Christmas song comes on gets a sweet. Sometimes we can be merrily singing along and be half way through the tune before we realise it's a Christmas one. Well some, believe it or not, are ambiguous. Anyhow, the album came on the other day and instead of skipping it I decided what the heck! And I threw caution to the wind and played the album in its entirety. Christmas has come!

I'm dreaming of a white Christmas, but if the white runs out I'll move onto red!

Small things

Isn't it fine that we are all so different. I don't mean the big differences - fat or skinny, tall or short, blonde or brunette - but the small things, like moles and freckles, length of eyelashes or shape of nails.

Of course that's just our outsides. Our insides are different too. How we think and feel. For one person they won't bat an eyelid at someone swearing, the next person could be very offended. There are plenty folk who would love to paint their kitchens pink and then the rest who think this is odd. 

We all have our problems and it's so easy to think that you shouldn't complain because other people are worse off. This is not helpful really. Your problems are your own no matter how huge or tiny they may seem to others. 

Can you change things?

Well you can dye your hair, wear high heels (this is not recommended for everyone) and get false lashes. You can try to lose weight or bulk up at the gym. 

Insides are harder to change. You could try to tolerate swearing - just words after all. You could paint your kitchen pink and hope you learn to love it. Can you really change the way you think and feel? No, I don't think so but it's all about small things.

Try not to judge. Try not to sweat the small stuff. Count to five. Don't compare your problems to others, it's not helpful. Be kind. Be generous (with your thoughts and actions if nothing else). Smile and laugh and share good things.

If you feel bad - do one thing, and count your blessings. I don't mean to sound condescending but this is what I always try dry to do, and it helps. This can be really really hard but dig deep and find something. You always have something no matter how bad it gets. Be it pretty eyes, or a funny laugh, a healthy family, or a kind heart. Find that one thing and think of that and don't let it go. This morning for me it was my cosy comfy bed - and I didn't want to leave it lol.

Your value doesn't decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth.

A poignant poem

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth...and I got them. Aren't they gorgeous? So excited.

This week I have been to the gym! Shock horror, it's true though. And I even went by myself today i.e. not being dragged by the hair kicking and screaming by hubby, which is the normal way I get there. And, I actually quite (don't get excited - it says quite!) liked it. I plan to go back...before 2018. Exercise is good for your mental health as well as your waist. I'm working on both at the moment. Ha ha let's hope the mind health improves quicker than the waist health.

I'm trying to stick to a mind healthy diet too. That's food high in tryptophan - turkey, oats, eggs, nuts, seeds, fish, beans, dairy. All the foods I try to eat anyway. But hold on! where is the chocolate? Hey, don't worry dark chocolate is included. Phew. Our bodies convert tryptophan into serotonin - super!

Won't it be ironic if I can lose weight trying to fix my head? At the moment I feel miserable because I'm fat, and I eat because I'm miserable. What is that all about eh? Crazy or what?

Anyway I've written a poem and I thought I'd share it with you. It's comfortingly dour! I hope you all like it. I have so many readers now it's amazing. Thank you for reading every week, and keep sharing.



I look in the mirror, but who do I see?
The girl looking back has no resemblance to me.

She smiles at me broadly, but it's masking a lie
Her eyes look so sad and she's starting to cry.

She sits in the corner and whispers a pray.
Will it be heard by someone not there?

She hides it inside her, this feeling so dark.
Though she fears it's a badge like a facial birthmark.

The pain in her heart confirms she's not dead.
She goes over and over the words that were said.

Her tears are now rolling, I brush them away.
I don't want to go but I don't want to stay.

My thoughts as I leave her, I'm sure you'll agree
I'm sorry she's hurting but I'm glad she's not me.


Now no one is to get their knickers in a twist. This is simply poetry, I like to think a work of art ha ha. I just thought it was quite good and wanted to share. Do not over think it xx


Do not give your past the power to dictate your future.

Postal cat

This is how we box them up ready for shipping. 

Not had a good week personally. Don't know if I can make this post humorous 🙁 I might be reduced to Knock Knock jokes! So I'll just tell you about healthy eating. 

So my weekend was my weekend. I made lunch for friends - a nice healthy one with a very unhealthy dessert! Sunday I was Christmas shopping with hubby and then we had afternoon tea. The whole works - sandwiches, scones with clotted cream and yummy cakes! 

I made the decision that from Monday morning I'd seriously try to lose weight. From then until Christmas Eve nothing 'bad' would pass my lips. I wouldn't calorie count, or slimming world syns, or weigh or measure but I would only eat healthy food! Now what is healthy food you ask? What's healthy to one person is not to another. Orange juice - bad or good? Pasta - bad or good? Beef - bad or good? I just went with my gut and what the majority would agree with. Basically out goes biscuits, sugar, crisps, fried foods, chocolate, highly processed food etc. You know? The obvious stuff. I thought two months of this and surely I'd lose weight? Well it lasted until 11am when I had a biscuit!!!

I don't know what to tell you? I just can't seem to do it. Any of it. I'm a lost cause. We all know you need the right frame of mind to diet (I hate that word but let's face it, that's what it is). And I'm really not there. I can't keep battling like this. Until I feel better I've no chance at all. 

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Figs
Figs who?
Figs your doorbell!

Don't judge my path if you've never walked my journey.

Temporary teeth

Going into work this week and this is what I found! It's an uphill battle. I'd eaten 2 before I'd taken my jacket off. And more arrived on Wednesday courtesy of a colleague who was leaving. I love chocolate but I wish it wasn't so in my face.

This was on top of having a great weekend away. And it always means a daily lb weight gain as soon as I leave the house! We stayed in a hut, a shepherd's hut, and it was so cosy and cute! Really loved it. Had a day in Edinburgh where a closing Costa plied us with goodies that were just about to go in the bin! We rescued lemon tarts, chocolate muffins, bread and bacon butties!! Back at the shed we were drinking and picking at crisps and nuts etc etc. A fab weekend away! What can I say? I'll not apologise... Sorry mum ha ha (you're the exception). 😘

My daughter took me out for a 4 course lunch with prosecco. It was delicious! But obviously not suitable for losing weight... But when your daughter treats you you don't decline.

I have got temporary front teeth though. The bridge I broke when away in Austria has finally been removed. Got terrible looking temporary which I'm scared of using so I might be on a liquid diet for 3 weeks! Hot chocolate, chocolate milkshake, melted Mars bars and chocolate Bailey's. Sorted

Good news - seen my GP and he's referring me to a nutritionist. I can't imagine what she'll tell me because let's face it I actually know all about losing weight (even though I'm rubbish at doing it myself) but I have to do something. I think I might have to go cold turkey on sugar. Anyone know how long the shakes will last?

What kind of fillings do I have? Chocolate ones of course. Boom boom!

Professional

 I was in Aberdeen early one morning so thought I'd treat myself to breakfast at M&S. They had no decaf coffee so I had to have hot chocolate and the croissant had to go back as it was raw in the middle - at least this saved me some calories.


Weight today : 15st 1½lbs
Weight loss : ½lb


So I'm thinking of quitting work and becoming a full time professional slimmer. In my head the job description is a little like this....

Up at 6am every morning. Firstly take the dog for a nice long walk. Then take a mug of hot water and lemon into the garden, followed my 30 mins of yoga. I would do squats when I brush my teeth! After a healthy breakfast of natural yogurt and berries I would go to a spinning class, then 1½ hours at the gym then a swim and sauna to relax. At home I would tuck into a lovely slimming salad with chicken and olives. Next I'd put on my posh Hunter wellies, smart Tweed coat and leather gloves to take my dog for a walk around the park/forest. I'd quickly change and set off to meet a friend for a green tea. Once home I'd do my housework and I'd lunge when doing the hoovering and I'd stretch while washing the windows. After a healthy supper of salmon with roast vegetables I'd boogie to some great tunes in the kitchen. I'd be in bed by 9am ready to read a good educational book and fall asleep for my 8½ hours of deep sleep.

Now!? What's wrong with this picture? Well I would probably sleep until 8am then drag myself out of bed and take the dog for a quick pee whilst still in my PJs. It would be pouring with rain so I wouldn't go out and I'd do 5 mins of yoga as I wouldn't remember all the moves. I've been trying to do my pelvic floor exercises when brushing my teeth and I think I've managed once in 6 months so I'd never do lunges. I hate olives, Hunter wellies don't fit over my fat carves, I'd look naff in a Tweed coat and I get too hot walking to wear gloves. I'd meet a friend and have a large latte and big bit of cake. I don't like housework and I leave the hoovering to hubby whenever I can. I'd have chips with the supper and a large glass of wine. I'd plonk in front of the TV then drag myself to bed to read a silly chick lit novel.

Also the pay is nil, I have no relevant qualifications or good past experience but it pays huge dividends when I get skinny and fit into my size 12s. Hummm.....

I'm not losing weight..I don't ever want to find it again!

I'd just like to add that all week I've been losing weight. Yesterday I was 2lbs lighter. Last night we went out for burger, fries and milkshake BAM! weight lose gone! 😥

80 sleeps until Christmas

IMPORTANT MESSAGE: the following blog may contain swearing. Please do not read if easily offended.

Weight today : 15st 1.5lbs
Weight loss : ½lb

So I need to start by saying that I did really try to eat nice healthy food this week. I really really wanted to lose some weight. And... For the most part I succeeded... Um... Apart from when I failed. It's chocolate! I just seem completely incapable of not eating it. I don't buy it so I can't eat it but then someone brings a big pile into work. I'm an adult. I shall just ignore it. But I can see them, in my peripheral vision. I swear they are talking to me. The double deckers teasing me. The Crunchies shouting to be eaten... So I do, of course. Did you ever doubt it? Really? I had two, one of each. Then I went and bought some... Just in case. 

And then I've been stressed. This is not a good state for me, especially when I'm in Tesco. You know what I mean? It's that 'oh fuck it' attitude. None of the healthy salads and fruit & veg for me! Oh no. It's just 'fuck it' I'm getting lasagne and let's have chips too. What about pudding? 'Fuck it' let's have the gooey sweet chocolate mousse with chocolate sauce and chocolate brownies. And a bottle of wine to wash it down. Sounds like a meal deal? The now to be called 'fuck it' deal! The irony is not lost on me. I eat when I'm miserable and yet if I lost weight and had a peachy bum I'd be so happy.

I learnt a new word yesterday. Couch. Ok so the word itself is not new. It's one of my favourite things! The sofa, the soft piece of furniture that I love to lay on whilst reading my book, drinking my wine and eating my Cadburys wholenut ha ha. Ah but couch is also a verb. It means 'express in language of a specified style' eg if you were writing a script for a TV programme you'd do it in a certain way. That is couching. 😉

I've been on this diet for 16 months, and all I've lost is 16 months!

Don't feed the gremlins

So I decided to go back to basics - that's pictures of me in my knickers! This is it. This is me. All of me. This is why I'm desperate to lose weight. Though you have to admit it's not that bad? It could be so much worse, I'm sure it could. Better not get worse for me though. Today it stops!!

Weight today : 15st 2lb

So lost 5lb this week. Not sure it counts when it's holiday pounds because I'm sure they are not real pounds. Temporary cocktail pounds ha ha ha. Anyway pretty much back to normal (my weight that is. Nothing normal about me).




Well at least one person wasn't impressed with my holiday weight gain - I got told off. And no, it wasn't my husband! Oh man he tells me off all the time. Like water off a ducks back. He says I'm the naughtiest of the kids... And it's probably true. I am really naughty (and not in a good way, so he says). No I got told off by my mum. I'm 48 years old and my mum told me off. And you know what? It was that kind when it's "I'm not angry I'm just disappointed". It's the worst. Who wants to disappoint their mum?? So mum this weight loss is for you.

I do feel a bit obsessed with my weight. A few weeks ago a friend pointed out that it was even on my car registration! I got a private reg for my 40th, which is W8 GBW - my initials. But it's almost a palindrome W8GBW or WBG8W. You see? Clever? So anyway. W8 ha ha ha. Obsessed.

I think I'm ready to go back to slimming world. I've been told (daughter) that I must be a size 14 by Christmas. That's a big ask but I've so got to start. Has no one developed the magic slimming pill yet? I'm so lazy. The thought of losing at least 5 stones makes my blood run cold. Sometimes the thought is so scary it makes me eat! Mainly chocolate. Mostly Fry's chocolate creme. Or Crunchies. Or both!

I've put a note on the white board at work. 'Don't feed the gremlins, we're trying to lose weight'. So far so good. Not a cookie or doughnut in sight lol.

My favourite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch. 

The usual half

You will all be glad to hear I've put on my usual half a stone holiday/cocktail weight. I do like to be consistent!

I had a great holiday! Lots of good food and drink (obvs) and fabulous weather. Holiday makers in all shapes and sizes, swanning around in very little clothing, including myself in a teeny tiny bikini (oh yes I do!). Some girls with amazing figures, but I no longer aspire to have a body the same because I'm a realist. Now I can hear some of you shouting at me about not having high hopes or whatever but let me clarify... These amazing figures belonged to the young. The newly weds. The ones under 30 years old! I honestly believe that at my age all I can really desire is looking half decent. I know older people who are slim but they still have the stretch marks/flabby tummy/non pert boobs! Leave the pert boobs to the young. I want the figure I had 5 years ago when I thought I was fat and wanted to lose 2 stones. I'm terrified that in another 5 years I'll be desiring the figure I have now!

Which makes me ask - did any of the really big women on holiday look at me and desire my body. No probably not. They were looking at the newly weds longing for their figures! I just want to look in the mirror and not feel sick.

Don't stumble over something behind you!

Glorious Grenada

Another holiday.... Another chance to put on half a stone 😉. Don't worry I don't say this like it's a challenge! In fact the challenge is going on holiday and not putting on half a stone (don't hold your breath it will never happen).

The day before our flight I decided I needed new dresses. So I popped into town, 2 shops later, 4 sale dresses in the bag! Just like that. Took me ten minutes. Straight to the sale rack, grabbed the size 18s (didn't bother with the let's try squeezing into a size 16 because this time next year I'll be thinner routine). And they all fit and are nice. (Three pictured above). But like part of me is thinking I don't want to lose weight cos then these pretty dresses won't fit me. It's a lame excuse I know but it's a real thought in my head. Obviously in my head I looked better than in these pictures... Which brings me nicely to today...

At lunch I was watching this fat girl on the beach and I asked hubby if I looked her size. He replied that I didn't quite. I thought because she was fatter - but no! It's me that looks fatter! I was gutted. I just don't see myself like that. I mean I know I'm fat Yadda Yadda but like that fat!!? It's the whole shock of seeing a photo and gasping! But this was real life. I didn't like it!

I asked him to help me (hubby) and he said something rather profound. He said he couldn't, that only one person could help me and she didn't like me. Oh my God. Is that true? but I have to say it must be. I mean if anyone else told me they needed my help because they were at risk of a heart attack or diabetes or something I'd just help them. If it was one of my children I'd do anything I possibly could and yet I can't help myself! This is crazy and mental and rather upsetting. But I'm on holiday so can't dwell now! But I will have a stern conversation with her when I get back.

I hate people swapping my chocolate wrappers around. I get my Snickers in a right twix. 

Disclaimer: joke provided by friend on Facebook - sorry if you read it the other day. Thank you friend, I thought it was funny! 

Twisted knickers

Weight today : 15st
Weight last time I looked : 15st

Ha ha no difference between weeks that I'm 'good' and weeks that I eat what I want! I think there's something wrong somewhere 😉

If I were to bend over to touch my toes I'd reach my ankles. If I wanted to do the yoga 'tree' pose I'd get my foot to my knee. Now to do these actions together I'm not so successful. I think my belly fat gets in the way! Body over, leg up, too much fat and I can't just push it out the way. You might be asking why I need to contort in this way... To get my knickers on of course! Sometimes I put them on the floor, step into them and use a foot to shuggle them up my leg. Sometimes I hold on to something and kind of swing my knickers in one hand them quickly 'foot up, foot in, done!'. But mostly I just hold my underwear and try to lift my leg and put my foot in. I end up hopping around the room like some kind of rain dance. My hubby dashes over to help as he's worried I fall and hurt myself. Oh no, I'm sorry, I must be thinking of someone else's husband. My mistake. My husband just watches and laughs!!

Last couple of weeks my diet has not been great. I can't even kid myself that it's been healthy. It hasn't... At all.... But I've loved it. I've just enjoyed eating and drinking. Food is yummy! And my weight hasn't suffered too bad, not caused any damage so can't complain! But I know I can't continue so I will get back to plan. Which plan? God knows!! But I'll pick one... For a bit!

Missed exercise class on Monday. Nephew's birthday party. I was too busy eating cake and spring rolls. But I've redeemed myself and went Thursday night instead! It was hard and I struggled more than last week but at least I can walk today! Yay all good.

This week my 16 year old son taught me a word. Esoteric! e.g. The quiz about brain surgery was esoteric.

Esoteric - adjective - intended for or likely to be understood by only a small number of people with a specialised knowledge or interest.

Snaccident - eating a whole pizza or family size bag of crisps by mistake! 

Hiatus

Welcome to my new and improved blog! I lie of course, it's the same usual drivel - enjoy 😉

I just needed a wee tiny break. Things going on that made me feel pretty miserable. Though not writing didn't make me happy - it was only one week but it felt odd and weird. But I'm all good and back to normal... As normal as I get that is.

So my friend told me to go to this exercise class with her (she is now my ex-friend because what kind of friend would take you to be tortured for an hour?! Come on, really? Who would do that?) And I paid for the privilege! It was soooo hard. Like 100 reps of everything!! Squats and lunges and just everything! My arms and stomach muscles didn't suffer too much but I think it's just because my legs were in such complete and utter agony that I didn't notice the rest of my body! 3 days later and I'm almost able to walk. And the really sad thing is that I'll go again next week.

So I have hopefully sorted out my blog/Facebook problem! If you want to read this you should be able too. It was lovely to hear from so many of you. It has been suggested that I should drop the weight loss element - I must be the world's worst. But I also think you are all sadists and you love my failing. Makes you all feel better! Go on, admit it... Everyone loves a trier! The funniest thing about my blog is the fact that it's about weight loss which is the very last thing that I deliver! So going forward you'll get a bit of everything. My amazing weight loss endeavours and my ramblings of life in general.

I learnt a new word this week - copacetic! I like to pride myself on a good grasp of the English language but I didn't know this one. And my friend who used it was chuffed... Probably because I'm always correcting her spelling and grammar - even in what's app! Ha ha ha. I just can't help myself. So that's me this week, I am copacetic! 😎

Copacetic - adjective - in excellent order.

Life is a bitch and then you die!

A pile of chairs

This is how my life feels at the moment, especially this week. A chaotic balancing act. Think I'm ready for a holiday.

Weight today : 15st
Total loss : 4lbs

My scales tell me my weight is the same as last week, which is fine and probably fair, but I must tell you that slimming world last night had me 1½ down. But hey ho.

I discovered, when I was away a couple of weeks ago, a particular trait that I have. Now I've always known it but never really thought of it until now. I am very much a black/white person. I just don't do shades of grey (and no!! I'm not talking about my sex life thank you very much). When we were away and going out for lots of walks and trying to find particular routes by following instructions and sometimes failing. So whilst hubby was happy to just keep wandering and if A was wrong we then try B then C. I really didn't like this! At first I thought I just didn't want to do all the extra walking constantly going the wrong way but then I realised it's more than that. I just need to know the plan - the exact plan. I can't wing it. I'm the same at work. I don't do wishy washy! A little bit of this and a bit of that. Tell me exactly! Maybe this news is nothing you didn't know. My family are probably laughing now! Anyway so I'm thinking....I need to apply this to my weight loss endeavours! Somehow plan with this black and white attitude. Maybe reduce my options. Just have a breakfast, a lunch and dinner!! The danger is getting bored of the same foods but I could change it weekly. So what I'm saying is deciding that breakfast will be e.g. porridge. Then that's it. I know what I'm eating for each meal and once it's been eaten that's me finished. Oh I don't know.... It makes sense in my head! Difficult to explain. I'll try it next week and let you know.

Here's to a better week. Have fun everyone and thank you for reading!

I'm on that new diet where you eat everything and hope for a miracle!

Run Forrest Run

Weight today : 15st
Gain : ½lb
Total loss : 4lbs



What's happened to my readers? You guys normally total between 80 - 180 every week. And never less than 60. This week only 19 of you read my blog. Are you bored? Are you fed up of me not losing weight? Yeah me too. Anyway let's see if you all get back from holidays and start reading. I might have to stop writing if you lot don't like it?

Anyway... Drum roll please... I've been running!! Started Monday morning. Like I said I would, alarm went off, I snoozed it lol. Then jumped out of bed and kept going until I had to stop. So this was jogging. Plod plod plod. My plan was never to run every day just maybe every other. So Tuesday night got a call from big sister, who not only reminded me that I hated jogging (always have, always will) but that I used to be a sprinter (ok you can stop laughing now). She suggested I do a HIIT sprinting session! Ok I thought, makes sense. So Wednesday and today that is what I did. Sprinted hard/rested/sprinted hard/rested etc etc. I was warm, knackered and puffed out and it was better than jogging for miles (obviously I haven't jogged for miles but that was my long term goal) and it was all over in 3 minutes!!! That's my kind of exercise.

Food wise has been not bad. Last night I had a bit of a session which may or may not have included a coconut Magnum, a packet of crisps and chocolate! I'm taking the 5th amendment as I don't want to incriminate myself. But sometimes we just need a bit of a blowout. Am I alone on this? Even my skinny hubby does this at least once a year.

So let's see if all my lovely readers come back... Are you reading this lovely reader? If you're not then kick yourself in the butt and start reading! It's lonely here without you 😎

Run like there's a hot guy in front of you and a creepy guy behind you!

It's mud not poo!

Having a lovely week away, staying in a cottage in Worcestershire with hubby and dog. Found a local slimming world on Wednesday night and got weighed - put on 2lbs! But (now say it with me) "It's ok because I'm on holiday!"

We're close to family so we all went to a local national trust estate, and went for a jolly good walk. Through the woods which had lots of 'natural' play - including this bank that you climbed down then someone pulled you back up by rope looped around your waist. I was encouraged to have a go by my niece, Georgia*, and I fell!! This bottom shot is mud...I did not poo my pants (see below).

So I've not ran anywhere but this is not because I didn't want to, I honestly just haven't remembered. Hopefully once I'm home and in a routine I'll set alarm earlier and run before I get ready for work. Start running before I've even realised what is happening ha ha, still half asleep! This I think will work! But even though I've not ran anywhere we have done lots of walking, up and down hills, through forests and over stiles, through fields and over bridges. Walked miles!

Being in a strange bed I've not slept as well as home and for first few nights I dreamt, a lot. I was telling my gorgeous niece Sarah* about a rather weird one where I'd poo'd my pants! My 8 year old great niece, Chloe* came in half way through the conversation and just heard that I'd poo'd my pants. Her face was a picture and she was truly gutted to hear it had just been a dream. It was very funny.

I've been thinking long and hard about my lack of weight loss. It's driving me mental and I need a good kick. Don't all queue up to oblige lol. I'm worried it just won't happen. I've spent most of my life now trying to lose weight, and you know what? I used to be really good at it. (Albeit the weight crept back on). This time I've found it so much harder. Can't seem to concentrate. Can't seem to stick to a plan - any plan!! I need to regroup and have a real good think of where I go moving forward. Feel free to give me your point of view, though don't be offended if I don't take you on. After all everyone has their opinion and there are thousands of plans/diets/theories of there. Anyway, one thing that I know is that I'm not giving up. I can't... I've no clothes that fit!!

Today's weight loss tip : use super glue as lip gloss.

* All names have been changed to protect the innocent - apart from Sarah's. Sarah's real name is Sarah! She insisted I use it. But I made her sign a waiver. She paid me £5 to add that she is gorgeous!

Stressed

My lovely animals caught on camera!

Today's weight : 14st 13½lbs
Loss this week: 1½lbs
Total loss : 4½lbs



I'm beginning to think I can't do this. Don't get me wrong, I'm not in denial. I'm not trying to say that I've been really good and I've still not lost weight. I've drank and eaten as if I didn't have a care in the world (or an arse the size of Spain). I've thought about going to the gym... But not quite got there. I even booked to go to aqua aerobics on Monday but completely forgot. I'm a danger to myself.

I'm running out of excuses. Ooh talking of running. I always thought that people who ran were mental. Not only crazy for running but crazy for liking! That was until my coffee marathon in Newcastle. Coffee pal number 2 was a little later than planned because she'd been running! Outside in the fresh air too! And apparently she doesn't like it! But does it anyway. She thinks that it's only 45 mins out of her day and when it's done it's done. And she loves the feeling when it's over. Now I'm not talking 45 mins but maybe I could start at 15 seconds and build up to 20 mins? Now I know that hating running is not an excuse not to do it I'm stumped. I could use the fact I have a prolapse (a genuine good excuse) but losing weight will help the prolapse so I have to balance an Apple versus an orange! (Or in my language a double decker versus a Fry's chocolate creme) This I'm going to try... But I might need someone to remind me as I have a bad habit at forgetting!

That awkward moment when you're wearing Nike's but you can't do it!

Ragdale Bliss

Weight today : 15st 1lb
Gain : 2.5 lbs
Total loss : 1lb



It's a hard life! Just had a few days in Ragdale Hall Health & Thermal Spa. Too awesome for words. Did you know that in 1973 Ragdale was owned by Slimming World, and all guests were given 500 calories of food daily? Obviously, check my weight gain, things have changed lol.

I also discovered that I'm a floater. So you'd think being so heavy I'd sink...but no! It must be down to surface area. Think of my big bum like a boat. Lots of area to displace water. In the Candle Pool (like an underground cave with sparkling lights and lots of candles with lovely warm water) most can just lie on the underwater seating - not me. I just float away, I could probably float to Nottingham if I wasn't careful. I have to find an alcove, prop my head on the head rail and my feet on the wall, and sandwich myself in. Only then can I relax and enjoy the water.

Now I wasn't the biggest there, but I was sometimes the biggest in the exercise classes. This was hard. Facing a full mirrored wall with nothing else to look at but my wobbly bits and girth. Hum, didn't like it, but at least I did the class. Now obviously we all come in different shapes and sizes. I noticed that some had really huge middles but their arms, legs and head were kind of normal looking. I guess I'm glad I have a fat face. I try to avoid looking in the mirror at my body but my face is hard to avoid - putting on makeup or brushing my teeth is impossible if I'm not looking! And my fat face is a constant reminder that I'm fat all over. If my face looked normal I might forget about the rest. Maybe?

I didn't try to be bad but I didn't try to be particular good either. On Saturday in the Metro Centre I met 3 friends, one after the other, so that was 3 cappuccinos in a row (OK OK OK...2 cappuccinos and a hot chocolate - I got fed up of coffee - so shoot me), Indian food with family, and lots of driving (about 500 miles each way) so snacks and sweeties but all worth it!!

Um I might have a running plan...but I'll tell you next week.

I have a condition that prevents me from dieting, it's called being freaking hungry!

Full moon, half moon, total eclipse

Well I wore the skirt!

Weight today : 14st 12½
Loss this week : nil
Total loss : 3½ lbs





What is it about Jaffa Cakes? I resisted for days but decided to treat myself to one on Wednesday, and 10 seconds later I'd eaten five! How did that happen? They are so morish, and you really can eat one in two bites. So naughty and I didn't even check the syns first.

So disappointed with my weight this week - my diet was exemplary.... Well apart from the Jaffa Cakes of course. Mind I did go out on Friday night (see pink skirt picture). I had planned to drive, and not drink, but I caved under strong and persistent peer pressure. The conversation went something like this 'Ooh Gilly, gin fizz sounds nice, you want one?' to which I replied 'Go on then' and drank them all night!! And now I think about it I did go visit my hubby on Saturday night and we had moussaka (yum, my favourite) and a bottle of wine - which we didn't finish I must stress! I had lemon cheesecake too. Then Sunday I ate the second cheesecake as hubby doesn't do lemon. I think maybe I might have had crisps on Monday? Tuesday was dinner out with friends but I left most of the cheese and BBQ sauce on my ranch chicken and really enjoyed the salad and creamy coleslaw. Yesterday a colleague brought cupcakes to work that he'd made that morning - it would have just been plain rude not to have one. So, you see, apart from the Jaffa Cakes, gin, wine, cheesecakes, moussaka, crisps, coleslaw and cupcake my diet was exemplary! Hum?.... Did I mention the chocolate I ate on Thursday? Obviously that's what tipped the scales 😉 ha ha ha

This losing weight business is a pain in the hoop-la and I obviously need more practice as I'm not very good at it. If at first you don't succeed... Eat a bar of chocolate!

For breakfast I ate plain Greek yogurt, then for lunch I had salad. For dinner I ate my entire kitchen!!

I ❤️ Wimbledon

This is my grand - cat (daughter's cat for those who are confused - I'm cat sitting) helping me with my cupboard!


Current weight : 14st 12½lbs
Weight loss : 1½lbs
Total loss : 3½lbs






I was a likle poorly this week. Isn't it sad when the first thought you think is 'Yay! Weight loss opportunity'. Ha ha. I'm very rarely physically ill. I don't usually catch bugs (oh my - I'm going to be ill all summer now!) I like to think that my constitution (is that the right word) is like an ox. My mental constitution is more like a penguin. In that it's not really what you expect - a bird that can't fly and has a funny walk. That's me and my head.

I've enjoyed watching the tennis though - apart from the fact I kept falling asleep in the middle of a match! Thank God it's been on though, I'd forgotten how terrible day time TV is. And no, Jeremy Kyle does not get a look it. Not even as a guilty pleasure. 

I don't watch any other tennis, just Wimbledon. The players are so tall and fit and tanned and nimble. Everything I'm not. If I were to wear white like them I'd look like a marshmallow. All soft and squidgy. When I met my hubby I told him I could play tennis. One day we had a match and I couldn't hit the ball! The racket was so heavy!! (Compared to badminton). I think I must have had a false memory. At some point in my early 20s I'd played a little but in my mind I must have thought how wonderful to be as good as Andre Agassi (am I showing my age here? Ha ha). And then the thought became a real memory. I really thought I was a pretty good player. I was so wrong.

I bought a skirt. (I needed clothes to put in my wardrobe). It's very nice. Bright pink. £3 in the sale - mega bargain. Now, it's short. And I'm not under any illusions that my legs are either long or slim. Most would probably tell me I'm too fat for a short skirt, and I wouldn't disagree. But then this is me and whilst I wait (patiently.... Not) for my new slim body why should I wear black jeans and boring tops in the waiting time? I might never wear it in public but at £3 it's a great outfit for hoovering.

Don't let comparison steal your joy!

Empty wardrobe

Current weight : 15st
Loss this week : 4lbs
Total loss : 2lbs






As you can see I've finally sorted my wardrobe! I removed all the clothes that are too small and this was what was left - a hanger full of scarves (one size fits all), a skirt, two tops and a dress. Now the dress is way too small (size 12) but it's my target dress and I felt if I put it away that was defeatist, so it stayed. The rest (3 suitcases full) have gone in the loft. I did bin a few things and a reasonable pile went to charity. Just glad it's done. My floor wardrobe is no more! Everything away - wardrobe still pretty empty lol but who wants to buy size 18 clothes? Not me.

Does anyone have thoughts at an inappropriate time? I don't mean thinking of David Walliams licking cream off your nipples whilst at a funeral (that's just inappropriate period!). I mean remembering you need to call the hairdresser at 6.30pm once the salon has closed. Or you need to put the bins out when you're half way to work? So what I do is lie in bed at night thinking how strong I'll be with my healthy eating, and I'll resist the chocolate bar - so easy, it's in the bag. And yet the next day, faced with the chocolate, I seem to completely forget how easy it is to resist! Another one is planning exercise. At an inappropriate time I'll be determined to go to the gym on my way home from work and yet at the time I need to put my gym kit in my car I forget!! And I'm not even kidding. I genuinely forget to do these things when I need to, and remember when I can't do it. It's subconscious I guess. I'm in denial.

So happy with weight loss this week. Go Gilly! Let's keep an eye on the ball.

What's my favourite exercise? Chewing!

It's not a disaster

Current weight : 15st 4lb
Holiday gain : 6lbs
Total gain : 2lbs














This might look a bit scary, nearly half a stone on, but it's not bad...really. Come on, it could have been more! And it just means I had a great time. You can't go on holiday for almost 2 weeks, drinking cocktails from 10am, eating burgers at lunch (and these were the most AMAZING burgers) and three course dinners without putting on a pound or two.

We entered an archery tournament and I won! I won last place. Hubby (who was there to support me - I'm the Robin Hood of the family) won first place! Show-off! And got a t-shirt ha ha. The second place person got a bottle of rum!! They were non drinkers so the rum was given to me. I am so the winner here. T-shirt? Rum? You got me.

So what now? I need a plan. Back to Slimming World, and back to 'Food Optimising'. This is good. I like to know what's happening. Structure. I'll at least lose five pounds a week, if not lbs. 

I'm really sorry guys but unless you want me going on about my holiday (I'm sure you don't) I've nothing exciting to tell you. Stay with me and next week will be better!

I'm not lazy, I'm just on my energy-saving mode.

Archery is exercise

Evidence that I've done something other than sitting around reading and drinking. Hey we even went to the gym, one morning! And we've been diving which was awesome.


Anyone that knows me knows that I have the ability to put on a lb a day when away on holiday. Don't worry I don't see that as a challenge. But anything else than that I'll be happy with. You see being on holiday whether it's a month on an exotic island or a few days in your backyard, is precious time. We work hard all year and holidays are that time to be free of constraints and time frames and worries. It's not just about eating and drinking what your want it's about not feeling guilty when you do. If eating and drinking is part of your time off from work then do it but most of all enjoy it and don't stress about calories, or sugar. Because your weight will still be there when you get home. 

I had such a funny video to share with you but my blog only accepts photos. I was wanting a picture taken of me on a hammock. When I was struggling to climb on it hubby decided to video me instead, with arms and legs flailing! Just when I managed to get my arse on.... It swung over and tossed me to the floor! It was very funny. Sorry you can't​ see it guys!

An apple a day keeps anyone away - if you throw it hard enough.

Virgin Redhead

No weight today. Not at home and forgot yesterday morning but we'll just guess that I'm about the same! Certainly nothing remarkable has happened, that I can guarantee!





This week's title 'Virgin Redhead' is not referring to me! It's the name of the breakfast cocktail I'm enjoying right now (see picture) in the Virgin Atlantic First Class Lounge! Please don't think I'm boasting.... But of course I am! Who wouldn't? First Class. Super excited. I need to write this quickly as I'm booked a complimentary facial at 7.30am. 

Don't bother burgling the house when I'm away - I've hidden all the gin (yes, you! You know who you are). The house is full. I've been trying to work out the hierarchy. Son will be in charge (until daughter deigns to appear) with the cats next. My poor mum will do as she's asked and just sit quietly enjoying the view (and her books - of which she will read about 12 in 2 weeks, and I kid you not) then bottom of the pack will be my gorgeous dog who will be ecstatic that so many people are around to lick! Or bite if you are after my gin!

Anyhow, my week in food. Not great I have to say. I've been so very down (in spite of my up and coming holiday). I'm hating the way I look. I feel so very ugly. (Lol and no you don't need to contradict me, but thanks for your kind thoughts). It's very frustrating when it is so very much within my control - no, scrap that. I have no control at all! But it is within my remit, and no one can help. 

I noticed this week that when my boss (slim) brought in mini chocolate cake pieces all the slim members of staff ignored them. They were eaten by me (doh 'course - I had about 4!) And the other, let's say, cuddlier members of the team. The thing is I don't think the skinnies made a conscious effort not to eat them - they really seemed non plussed!! Yet us larger ones couldn't wait to tackle the box and fight our way to the bottom of the tub. What is it that makes us different? Greed? Genes? Greed? Hunger? Greed?

Well 12 months after starting this blog, I weigh the same! Total rubbish. But I'll never been defeated God damn it!!!

I'll cut my cake into four pieces, I don't think I could manage eight!